Bad Jokes 33 : Plunkett & Bad Jokes

During a seminar break on a very hot day a minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike .

They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.

Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.

After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah.

The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment."

The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"

Amanpreet had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather all "walked on water" on their 21st birthday.

So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they could do it, so can I!" Amanpreet (which means "Lizard Pecker" in several languages) told Brian (which means "Amanpreet" in several languages).

Amanpreet and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled out to the middle. Amanpreet stepped off of the side boat . . . and damn near drowned.

Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the Lizard Pecker Family Farm and asked his grandmother why he hadn't been blessed with the same "gift" as the others in the family.

Grandmother Pecker took Amanpreet by the hands, looked into his face, and said, "That's because your father, grand- father, and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A. Polaroids.

Thought For The Day: Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

Q. What's an Australian kiss? A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!

A busty young thang was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too low cut. "Do you have hair on your chest?" "No -- certainly NOT!!!" "Then it's too low cut."

Ah, yes, "Divorce", from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

This guy kept ordering a beer and running to the men's room to pour it down the toilet. When asked why, he says: "I get tired of bein' the middle man."

When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy in the second row, he said: "I'll give you a hint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth, and then it's in your tummy." The teacher smiled and said: "OK, Dick, sit down"

Judi was visiting town for the first time. She checks into her hotel and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him. "Young man -- I may be old, straight from the hills, have an AOL *and* WebTV account, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid *good* money and this room won't do at ALL! It's too small, no ventilation, no TV -- there's not even a BED!" "Ma'am, this is the elevator."

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today As they may be connected to the arse that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...... 12% on Monday 23% on Tuesday 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursday 5% on Fridays

and help me to remember ....... When I'm having a really bad day, And it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown And only 4 to extend my fingers and tell them to FUCK OFF

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.As he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system. "Will the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men's tee".

He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice again- "Will the Man on the Red tees move back to the White Tees"!!

He looked back at the starters shack and said, "Will the man on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the ladies tee can hit his second shot".

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night-only to find a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?"

"Honey, let me explain..."

"Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed.

"You impotent son of a -"

"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando. "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.

If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

What have Rod Hull and the European Commission got in common? Neither will have a hand in EMU anymore!

Why doesn't Emu need Viagra? His Rod is now permanently stiff...

What does Rod Hull do his washing with? Aerial and bounce

Did you hear about Rod Hull's funeral? The reception was awful

What have Rod Hull and Emu got in common? Neither of them can fly

When asked to speak about the incident EMU was apparently speechless.

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.

The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.

Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.

The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.

The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.

"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

I'd like a pair of size eight tie shoes, the fellow told the salesman. "But, sir, I can see from here you're at least a size 11."

"Just bring me the size eight tie shoes."

The salesman brought the shoes. The guy stuffed his feet into them, then stood up in obvious pain. "I lost my business and my house," he explained, "my wife is screwing my best friend, my daughter is pregnant and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life," he sighed, "is taking off these damn shoes!"

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts. The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra. The doctor explained, "When you flap your arms up and down, the bra inflates."

Of course, the woman chose the bra.

The next day she went to a bar to try the new bra out. She saw an attractive man sitting at the bar. Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man and he started flapping his legs.

"I see we have the same doctor," said the man.

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."

"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

Q. What do you call a woman in the distance?

A. Dot

Q. What do you call a cheese that isn't yours?

A. Nacho cheese

Q. What do you call a man in a dinghy?

A. Bob

Q. What do you call a woman in the middle of a legal battle with her previous employer after many years of sexual discrimination?

A. Sue

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night. Very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!".

Lewinsky virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about it

Glen Hoddle virus: screws with all your files because a former owner once wrote something bad on another computer he had used in a previous life

Ronald Reagan virus: saves all your data but forgets where it is stored

Mike Tyson virus: quites after one byte

Dr Jack Kevorkian virus: deletes all old files

Titanic virus: your whole computer goes down

Prozac virus: screws up your RAM but your processor doesnt care

Lorena Bobbit virus: turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy disk

Vanessa Feltz virus: displays new software to the general public only to discover they are all trojan horses.

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

"He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

"He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

"But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

"But, she said, "Grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry . He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, "Asshole attorneys".

The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying "I want you to know I highly resent that remark".

"Why, are you an attorney?"

"No, I'm an asshole."

This elderly woman went to the doctor's office for a check up. The doctor asked if she had any problems. The woman said that she had terrible farting problem, but they where silent & didn't smell. In fact she had farted at least 10 times since she had been in the office, but as they where silent & didn't smell he wouldn't have known. The doctor listened to her story and then gave her a prescription for some pills. He told her to take these for a week and then come back to see him.

A week later the elderly woman returned to the doctor's office and complained " I don't know what you did but those pills you gave me have got my wind smelling awful, mind you they are still silent but boy do they stink!!"

The doctor replied, "Good, now that your sinuses are cleared up we will work on improving your hearing !!!!!"

If operating systems were airlines.....

DOS Air: All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, et cetera.
Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines: The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without warning.
Fly Windows NT: All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Unix Express: all passenger bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
MVS Air Lines: The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet can have more engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers than there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors. -

Never explain - your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway. Elbert Hubbard (1859-1915)

This sounds suspiciously like an Urban Legend, but....

"If you think that you have to be mad to travel on some local buses, the following true story from a Zimbabwean newspaper proves you right: While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen.

Realising the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.

Staff removed the furious passengers to wards; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society."

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Judi left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents.

She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.

Judi took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Gayle (another blonde) came by and inquired what she was doing.

Judi said, "I'm blowing on the tailpipe to get the dents out of the sides."

Gayle replied, "Oh. Look. To make the work, you have to have the windows rolled up."

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

(From a "Most Embarrassing Moment" Contest in New Woman Magazine)

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter ...

Supposedly a true story, but it sounds like an Urban Legend. Ehhh, it still is pretty cute:

A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied -I'm not, I just lie there-. When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No. Who?"

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle.

When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him.

It hit him in the temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"

"Yes, I am," he replied.

St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in 1999.

A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it.

There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"

He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."

I said, "What do you hunt?"

He said, "Somethin' to fuck."

Tom wrote me about the New York business trip he was on. Judi, one of the ladies in the car with him (all from Phoenix) saw a billboard advertising a new movie. Judi exclaimed, "Oh, look, they have John Travolta out *here*, too!"

Julie and kids had just returned from church. "My 5 and 7 year old kids were showing me the faces they'd drawn in Sunday School. Now, museum quality they're not, but these were particularly unbalanced. I asked them why. My 7 year old explained, 'we were supposed to close our eyes and pretend we were blonde.' I can only assume he meant *blind*."

When Vicki was pledging Phi Mu, part of her requirements were to learn the Greek alphabet. I had them hanging on the wall so I could practice the letters. My sister, Judi, came to visit, saw them, and asked what they were. I explained and told her there were 25 letters in the Greek alphabet. She responsed quite seriously, "Oh. So which one is missing?"

Diane's 5 year old was teaching himself how to read. One day he asked me what "two whore parking" meant. I visualized two "ladies" sitting on a curb, trying not to laugh over the "two hour parking" sign.

Shay heard they were testing a new "high speed" propellor airplane engine that revolved so fast, the sound was inaudible to the human ear. "I asked, 'it's kind of freaky -- how would you know if the engines ever died if you couldn't hear them?' My friend said, 'Plummeting to the ground would be a pretty good indication.'"

Ahhh, the wonderful way kids have with words. Guileless's niece was telling her about how she didn't like to go fishing with her father anymore. He'd take out the boat and wouldn't return to the shore for *anything*. Or, as she put it, "When he has to pee, he whips it out over the side of the boat and me and Mom have to hold it!"

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail".

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite".

Q: Why did the Clintons name their dog Buddy? A: Because you can't yell, "Come Spot" in the White House anymore.

Ewen MacGregor's opening speech in the new Star Wars

Choose the force. Choose a side, Choose a jedi knight, Choose a teacher,choose a fucking big death star, choose star destroyers, blasters,tie-fighters and a light sabre. Choose a black suit,black helmet and boots. Choose a loan from Jabba the Hut. Choose a philosophy. Choose an Emperor.Choose a planet with matching moon. Choose a three planet= system in the Dromoda system and fucking enslave them. Choose the= Rebels and wondering why the fuck you are kneeling by the Emperor= on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting next to that Emperor watching whole planets being enslaved in mind-controlling, force-crushing battles, stuffing fuckingreplacement parts into your body. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable death star, nothing more than a dictator to the selfish, evil fucked up brats=

who fight for you. Choose a future. Choose the Force. I chose not to choose the Force. I chose something else - I chose

the

Dark Side.

MEGA MORON AWARDS LOUISIANA:= A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

FLORIDA: A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f**k-up!"

ARKANSAS: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

NEW YORK: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

SEATTLE : When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

ANN ARBOR: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

KENTUCKY: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

NEWARK : A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Police reports indicate that the suspicious death of Rod Hull is being treated as murder.............A spokesman was reported as saying that they definitely suspect Foul Play.

Rod Hull was pencilled in to play the leading roles(s!) in 'Fiddler on the Roof', a new panto to open this Christmas (as reported in an edition of The Mirror last month)........insiders say that this has now fallen through.

Emu has told the Sun this morning that he his winning his long fight against drug addiction. "It is very unlikely that I will ever get out of my box again" he was reported as saying.

Police have found lashings of butter on the roof of Rod Hull's house. It seem as though his 'Roll it over, spread it over" song inspired him to try it out. I doubt he'll ever "Do It again" though.

Emu has now issued a statement to The Sun indicating his desire to sell the property where his master died..........I'm very upset, he is quoted as saying, and I need to move. Besides, it's a good time to sell, the prices have gone through the roof!

Why Nagging a Man Doesn't Work

What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW !!

GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A BLOKE

(Not all of these are actually true, but it's the accumulation that counts)

A five day holiday requires one overnight bag
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
Queues for the bathroom don't exist
You can open all your own jars
When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying
All your orgasms are real
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around
You can go to the bathroom without a support group
When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
Nobody wonders if you swallow
You never have to clean a toilet
You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes
You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week
Sex means never worrying about your reputation
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgotto invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend
You don't have to shave below your neck
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices
You can write your name in the snow
Biological clock?
Chocolate is just another snack
Flowers fix everything
You never have to worry about other people's feelings
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours
Reverse parking is easy
Foreplay is optional
Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows
Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe
Understanding football (any football!)
You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. In fact you encourage them.
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut
You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you
You never look at the size of a baby's head and cringe
The whole world is your urinal Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
One mood, all the time
Same work, more pay!
Grey hair and wrinkles add character
The remote control is yours and yours alone
No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is
Someday you'll be a dirty old man. And you're looking forward to it
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
Dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger
Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries
Not liking a person doesn't exclude having great sex with them
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so..., notice anything different?"
Farts are funny
Baywatch
Friends is about six tits from New York. And three blokes
Yes Jeremy Clarkson is a sexist pig. But it's ok, he's a funny sexist pig.
If you sit on your hand till it's numb and then wank, it feels like someone else. Which is nice.
You don't have to keep any Simply Red, M People or compilations called names like 'All 100% Woman' in the car.
Your mates never say "Well if you don't know what you did wrong I'm certainly not telling you."
Your mates never say "Talk to me"
Your mates never say "What's offside?"
You can still talk to your mate about sex after knowing him for more than three years.
Life will go on if the bedsheets don't get changed once in a while.
Having a beer belly is a perfect reason for wearing a t-shirt that says "I have a beer belly".

HERE THEY ARE! THE WORLD'S 25 SHORTEST BOOKS!

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson
24.THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book:

1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment........and they hired him!

(1) NAME: Greg Bulmash
(2) DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
(3) DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer an d we can haggle.
(4) EDUCATION: Yes.
(5) LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
(6) SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
(7) MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
(8) REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
(9) HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
(10) PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
(11) DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
(12) MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
(13) DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
(14) DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
(15) HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
(16) DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
(17) WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
(18) DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Dad's New Wife Timothy" "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"

"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad" "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Amanpreet repots for his final exam. The exam consists of nothing but True / False type answers.

He takes his seat, gets the test, stares at the questions for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin, and starts tossing the coin. For "Heads" he marks "True" and for "Tails" he marks "False".

Within half an hour, Amanpreet is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, a little alarmed, walks over to him and asks him if he's ok.

Amanpreet spits out, "Yeah, I'm ok. I finished my exam in half an hour -- but I'm not going to have time to check all of these answers!!!"

This good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor he asked "Is this your floor?" Yep.

Then he got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs. But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "For God's sake officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"

"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."

"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."

"Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.

Judi and Gayle (both blondes) were at an auto show. There they saw a hot-rod with a jacked up rear.

"Judi, why is the back end higher than the front?" Gayle asked.

"Don't you know ANYTHING?" Judi sighed exasperated. "If you've got the back up, then you're always going downhill!"

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" "Well... not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky huh?" "Well... not exactly...I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.

One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."

After a while, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".

After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks??? The doctor can't see me for three weeks??? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"