Bad Jokes 32 : Waking Bad Jokes

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:

1. They speak English.

2. When they host a "world championship" they invite other countries.

3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

The wealthy wife of a very successful Jewish businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted: "You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"

The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry.

She replied: "When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels"

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed the mirror.Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror

. A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Judi and Gayle were walking down the street. Judi noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

Gayle said, "Let me look." So Judi handed her the compact.

Gayle looked in the mirror then turned to Judi. "You dumbass -- that's *me*

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."!

The following phrase:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Coincidence? I think not.

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.

He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

But she said grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.

Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator.

The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: " OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like semen."

The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says "It smells like semen."

Judi, the blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says, "It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . ."

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave the house?

Of these same men 90% will kiss their house good-bye when their wife leaves.

The University of Auckland Engineers Hymn:

Now I lay me down to sheep Pray the lord the sheep's asleep If perchance the sheep should wake Simple friendship shall I fake

You know you work in corporate America in the 90's if:

* You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

* Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

* Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

* The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.

* When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

* You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

* You learn about your layoff on CNN.

* Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

* Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

* You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

* Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

* You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

* It's dark when you drive to and from work.

* Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

* "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.

* Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

* Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

* Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

* Art involves a white board.

* You're already late on the assignment you just got.

* When 100% of your time means 20 hours.

* You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"

* Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

* Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."

* Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.

* Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

* Change is the norm.

* Nepotism is encouraged.

* The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.

* You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

* You read this entire list and understood it.

The very last one is a bit of a kick in the teeth ....

A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too.."

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product. -- Ferenc Mantfeld

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'

The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?"

"Oh, mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broke, I've not been able to get out of the house to shop, I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonite."

"Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George? Who's George?"

"Why, that's your *husband*, dear."

"Mom, I don't have a husband."

"Is this 234-5678?"

"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number." The housewife paused. "Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along.

Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.

A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts:

"Dad, if you think your getting screwed in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner's convention going past."

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow- up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot, I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. " It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

A businessman on his way home from the centre of London came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Shit ,this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "Glen Hoddle became so depressed about losing his job, he's stopped his Mercedes in the middle of the A40. He says everyone hates him, he doesn't have the England job any more and he doesn't have the income to support himself so he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really?" says the businessman "How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred litres but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning".

Sound like anywhere you know ??

The organisation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around, some simply just idling. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

"Tell me something," asked Jon "how many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach, Amanpreet?"

Amanpreet scratched his lizard pecker head and said, "Well, five, I think."

"Wrong," said Jon. "You can only eat just one. After that, your stomach isn't empty any more! Gotcha!"

Amanpreet was impressed so he decided to pull the joke on his wife, Judi, when he got home.

"Hey, Honey, how many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?"

Judi thought for a minute or two (it takes awhile to get those two brain cells to fire together) and said, "Two."

Amanpreet was dejected. "Ah, hon, if you'd said *FIVE* I had a GREAT joke for you!"

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

To the tune of Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive

BEER DRINKERS LAMENT

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side.

I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head, If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door. But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore.

And now you're sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace. I only hope that you're big knickers aren't made of liquorice lace.

I want to go, I've got to leave. Before your fat and naked body makes me bend over and heave. I only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut. Your dirty hairy pussy looks just like a septic cut.

I can't believe, I'm lying here. It's all cos of that fucking evil drink that we call beer. You can Sod your beer goggles, shit I must have been blind, To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.

Please let me go, I'm getting scared. There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.

I think that I must have been mad, God what made me want to court her? With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with water.

It's time to go, run out the door. She's started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor.

I don't think there's anything worse than the al-co-hol-lics curse. But this time that's it, I quit, I can't take more of this shit!!!

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Associations's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.