Bad Jokes 29 : Santa Claus vs Bad Jokes

Santa's Best Pick Up Lines

I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!

Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

Some of my best toys run on batteries... *wink wink*

I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!

Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey.á I'm just glad to see you!

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says,

"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead,only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.


He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

A Christmas Tale

T'was the night before Christmas
And all round the house
Nothing was stirring
Not even a mouse
Cos we'd laid out the Strychnine
and bait traps as well
And shot, clubbed and poisoned them
And sent them to hell

12 Days of a Cajun Christmas
--------------------------------------------
Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.

Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.

Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparing partners for her fighting rooster.

Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more friggin birds. Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.

Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen' somethin useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!

Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six gaeases. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day.

Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow.

Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta skin nutrias I caught las night.

Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, *Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin. * Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens.

Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don't kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be Ladies Dancin but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper. The Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords' royal behin.

Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed snuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing with de floozies. Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it.

Day 12: Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats. Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business. We will probably gross a million clams nex year.

Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Guy: Doctor I've got this problem I can't stop singing the green green grass of home and Delilah.

Doctor: Sounds to me like you have a severe case of Tom Jones.

Guy: Is it rare?

Doctor: It's not unusual.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging   that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a  special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After  several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.  "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a  wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to  wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you   got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the  handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right.  Get in."

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.

Making sure she goes thru his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady".

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy", to which he responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!"

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Are you a Europhile or a Europhobe ?
Take this short quiz to find out.


1. You plan to go shopping in the morning. What steps might you take to ensure that you find a parking space in town? Would you:

a. Leave the house early to beat the rush and find an unoccupied parking meter.
b. Leave whenever you're ready and simply hope that a parking meter is available.
c. Sneak into town at midnight and hang a beach towel on the best parking meter you can find.

2. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is a large queue. What do you do?

a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue is shorter.
c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, " Ich leber stomph das bustenholten!"

3. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly swerves in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react ?

a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're annoyed.
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car, leap out and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet shouting, "Bastardo! Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"


4. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive looking woman passes by. Do you:
a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say, "Hello".
c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her backside then proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together with twenty of your mates, all riding pathetic little scooters, making a variety of crude and suggestive remarks.


5. You're busy at work when suddenly you realise it's 12 o'clock. What do you do?
a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later.
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task at hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.


6. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and weary looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
a. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight.
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump up and down on its back until it falls over and dies. Then go to sleep for six hours.


7. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you:
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking Gittannes and drinking 48 litres of wine.


8. You arrive at work first thing in the morning What is the first thing you do?
a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty years.


9. Your car is stuck behind a large, slow moving lorry which happens to be carrying live sheep. Do you:
a. Slow down and wait patiently until a safe passing opportunity presents itself.
b. Immediately overtake the lorry at high speed and hope nothing is coming in the opposite direction.
c. Overtake the lorry, set up a road block to stop it, smash the cab windows, kill the driver, then set fire to all the sheep.


10. There's a parliamentary election taking place in your constituency. On polling day, whom do you vote for?
a. A middle of the road candidate with moderate views on most issues.
b. A mainstream left or right wing politician representing the Labour or Conservative party.
c. A four foot tall, obviously mad, one bollocked dictator who shouts a lot and has a stupid little "toothbrush" moustache.

11. You admire your neighbour's lawn which is particularly well kept. Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains, shoot him.


12. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the youths off.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving a little white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced timepieces and multi-purpose folding knives.


13. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate. Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
c. Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year old Fiat with six people on the roof, waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all night.


14. You are playing football. At half time it suddenly dawns on you that your team is losing heavily. What action would you take?
a. Encourage your team to play better and make more of an effort in the second half.
b. Just go out and enjoy the second half. After all, it's only a game.
c. Hang the captain of your team from a nearby lamp post, then go out and change sides, joining the winning team for the second half.

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first,  "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.

On noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape(no pun intended). He jumps on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chests with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is rather funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she puckers her lips, wiggle her bottom at him and play along.

She does, and Mr.Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr.Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says.. this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing backflips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, chucks her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

A couple go to Mexico City for vacation and go to a famous local restaurant.

They ask the waiter's opinion about what on the menu would be good, and he tells them they have a special each Sunday that's wonderful, so they order it. With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping, which both smelled and tasted delicious. The couple was more than satisfied and asked the waiter just what the meat dish was.

"Senior, each Saturday night, we have the bull fights, and that was the bull's balls you ate, good si?!"

They were taken aback by what they had just eaten, but it was delicious and more than enough for two. Six months later, they were back in Mexico

City and decided to go to the same same restaurant. Feeling adventuresome, they agreed to order the same dish.

Once again, to great fanfare the waiter brought out the huge silver serving dish and placed it on the table. This time there were two tiny pieces of meat, barely enough for one.

The man says, "excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this dish so small?"


The waiter smiles and replies, " Well you see sir, sometimes the bull wins!"

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," said the officer.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest   in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great.What should I do to prevent constipation ?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

Mistake on Anti-Drug Pencil
TICONDEROGA, N.Y. (AP) -- A company is trying to erase an embarrassing mistake it made on pencils bearing an anti-drug message.

The pencils carry the slogan: ``Too Cool to Do Drugs.''

But a sharp-eyed fourth-grader in northern New York noticed when the pencils are sharpened, the message turns into ``Cool to Do Drugs'' then simply ``Do Drugs.''

As a result of the discovery by 10-year-old Kodi Mosier of Ticonderoga Elementary School, the company, called The Bureau For At-Risk Youth of Plainview, recalled the pencils.

``We're actually a little embarrassed that we didn't notice that sooner,'' spokeswoman Darlene Clair told today's Press-Republican of Plattsburgh.

A new batch of pencils will have the message written in the opposite direction, so when they are sharpened, they read ``Too Cool To Do'' and finally ``Too Cool.''

For pointing out the botched message, Moiser earned his class a letter of apology from the company and box full of T-shirts.

Why does Kodi think the company didn't catch the mistake themselves?

``I guess they didn't sharpen their pencils,'' he said.

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partneráá in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As it transpired a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"Well what do you do all day," asked Martha. "Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

God phones up Noah : "Hi Noah, How's it going ? I need you to build me another ark."
Noah : "Just like the last one ?"
God : "No, no. This one will have 14 floors."
Noah "OK, and will it be for animals, 2 of each kind ?"
God : "No, this one is for fish only."
Noah : "What kind of fish ?"
God : "Just Carp - fill all the floors with them."
Noah "Why Carp ?"
God "Well, it will be the world's first multi-storey carp-ark !!!!"

Did you hear about the clown who was sacked?
........He's sueing for funfair dismissal.

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.  At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind  the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:

Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."

Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"

Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club (work with me here).

The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"

His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"

His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"

"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"

His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.

Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a real mean one tonight, Roger!"

An old man, Mr. Laidlaw, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Mary that his penis died.

Nurse Mary, realizing the Mr. Laidlaw was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Laidlaw was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Mary saw him and said, "Mr.Laidlaw I thought you told me your penis died".

"It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"