Bad Jokes 28 : Enter the Bad Jokes

An FAA inspector goes to check out Santa. They meet, and Santa shows him the fully loaded sleigh. The inspector checks out the equipment, the load balance, etc. "Everything's looking good, Mr. Claus, so it's time we move on to the flight test."

They board the sleigh. "Why are you carrying a shotgun?," asks Santa.

The FAA inspector replies, "In this test, you're going to lose an engine on take off.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as  a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.

The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.

The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.

The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter saying the following:

"Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback But I swear to God Almighty, I am going to kill the mother fucker that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly."

The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson, "Jedi Master Mace Windu," say in the Star Wars Prequel.

10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.

9. Womp-rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.

8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room... accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.

6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.

5. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on 'What'?

4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!

3. I wouldn't go so far as to say that the motherfucker's a carpet. Yeah Chewie's got a hair problem. What's the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?

1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Motherfucker" on it.

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had   an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL -- $125.

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

This is not really a joke, but I got a big laugh from it.  (And ladies, before you get all outraged, it was sent to me *by* a female reader):

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and ]chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared.

Six months after the waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the dead man.

During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.

"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"

A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my table."

A Dr. is walking down through the hall of the hospital toward his office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather loudly. His associate, a Psychiatrist, comes around the corner next and he asks him about this.

"Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band."

"Aw, I just told her she was pregnant."

"My God, is she?"

"No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!"

Silly Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country. Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
Mariah Carey Pop singer.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

China is a big country, inhabited by many CHINESE. Former French
President Charles de Gaulle

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"It's like an alcatraz around my neck."
Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces.

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
A congressional candidate in Texas

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.

General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.

"1956," was his immediate reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week.
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one, Brian. now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ? Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three
questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey. Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for
Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway... just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse !

Radio Silence.

Advert.
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.

"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."

"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

This guy is stranded on a deserted island with only Cindy Crawford for company. Well they end up having certain "urges" and agree that they will satisfy each other. So they start shagging day in day out and this guy could not be happier. After a couple of weeks tho he starts getting more and more depressed. Still plenty of shagging but he just seems worse by the day. Cindy asks him if there is anything she can do to ease his depression. He says "I know it is strange but would you mind dressing up as a man. If you could look like my best friend Fred that would be perfect" So being a kind soul Cindy turns up the next morning looking like a man exactly what he asked for. He runs madly over to her and says "Fred, I am SO glad to see you. You just would not believe who I have been shagging"

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house."

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.

The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."

And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded   to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty- one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

A Polish family is sitting in the living room.

The wife turns to the husband and says, "Let's send the kids out back to p-l-a-y , so we can fuck."

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK...You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.

New Sex Terms

_*Splintercourse*_: The sexual act in an outdoor setting. (e.g., "I enjoyed having splintercourse with you on the picnic table at the Mile Marker 189 Rest Stop.")

_*POTUS Interruptus*_: A sexual encounter prematuraly ended when the Secret Service man assigned to you hollers that Hillary has returned. (POTUS = President of the United States.)

_*Feastiality*_: Sexual food fetish. (e.g., "Man, did Kim Basinger have a feastiality problem in 9 1/2 weeks, or what?")

_*Nophyllactic*_: A form of birth control. Unlike the prophyllactic's barrier method, the nophyllactic utilizes the word "no" to avoid conception.

_*Bromo-sexual*_: Individuals who find sex nauseating. See also: "Women I've dated."

_*Wargasm*_: Sexual release which immediately follows a marital fight (e.g., "I'm so sick of waking up every morning to find your bowl of Tosittohhhhhhhhhhhhs!")

_*Frommage 'a Trois*_: Literally, this means either "grilled cheese sandwich," or "three-cheese omelette" but it has come to connote two same-sex individuals (the bread) and one opposite sex individual (the cheese).

_*Toupalactic*_: A powerful birth control method which is based on the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question.

On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.

Melling's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.

"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!  We had $100 when we broke in!"

A man was setting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,  for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the  condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what  you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket &  slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house"

MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN STRONG ECONOMY HELPS JOB SEEKERS

America's economy is so strong and the unemployment rate so low that many companies are lowering their standards and hiring just about anyone who walks off the street and doesn't smell.

There's almost no excuse to be unemployed today, unless you're married to someone who's willing to go to work every day while you improve yourself by staying at home and watching Oprah .

If you haven't searched for a job in a long time, this is a great time to start. At some companies, the only requirements are as follows:

---All applicants must know how to speak at least three words of English: "Me need work."

---All applicants must have taken a bath sometime in the last month. Preference will be given to applicants who can name at least one soap.

---All applicants must have fewer than 25 tattoos and five rings per body part. Each nostril counts as a separate body part.

---All applicants must be citizens or permanent residents of the United States, unless they have unique abilities, such as the ability to work cheap.

---Applicants with a criminal record will not be considered for employment, unless they swear under oath not to steal the vending machine.

---All applicants must pass a drug test or must agree to leave all drugs in their cars.

Even with such minimal requirements, employers are struggling to find good workers. The modeling industry is a prime example. If you open any newspaper and read the help wanted ads, you'll realize that America is suffering from a major shortage of models.

If this continues, Sports Illustrated may have to cancel its annual swimsuit issue. That would disappoint all those sports fans who love the exciting sport of bikini-gazing.

Modeling must be a tough job, because some modeling agencies are forced to go to every little town to recruit models. And they're so desperate they're willing to hire average-looking people -- anyone who won't break their cameras.

Some agencies have lowered their standards so much that even I could be a model. Even without any major plastic surgery. (OK, maybe that's pushing it.)

This is indeed a crisis in America. We're running out of good-looking people.

Where have they all gone? Well, without doing much research, it's clear to me that many of them have become television anchors. CNN itself has hired about 1,000 of them.

Modeling agencies cannot compete with a major news organization like CNN, where people can get lots of exposure without taking off their clothes.

Another problem is that good-looking people often marry less-attractive people and end up diluting their appearance genes. Models like Rachel Hunter and Christie Brinkley have really hurt the modeling industry. Their children will have trouble finding good modeling jobs and may have to settle for Wal-Mart fliers.

If you've always wanted to be a model, this may be a good time to try. But here's a bit of advice: Watch out for scams. Modeling agencies are supposed to pay you and not vice versa. Especially if you're as good-looking as you think.

Leave your checkbook at home and take your brain with you. You may just need it.