A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R "

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

It seems that historical religious leaders (between moments of dispensing wisdom) had also learned software programming.

One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.

After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.

The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.

The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.

Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out.

After a moment it came back on - just in time for the clock to indicate that the last competition was over.

The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen.

After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:



Jesus saves.

MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
* If the enemy is in range, so are you.
* Incoming fire has the right of way.
* Don't look conspicuous --- it draws fire.
* There is always a way.
* The easy way is always mined.
* Try to look unimportant --- they may be low on ammo.
* Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
* The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them.
b. When you're not ready for them.
* Teamwork is essential --- it gives them someone else to shoot at.
* If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
* The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
* A ``sucking chest wound'' is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
* If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
* Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
* Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
* Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
* Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
* If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
* When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
* Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.


And of course :

* "Friendly Fire" isn't
* Automatic Weapons aren't.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

The Differences

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. A man, of the woman who he didn't.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy: One is  to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. No need for two people remembering the same things.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. -- Tolstoy

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world, the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw

"To sin by silence when we should protest makes cowards out of men." Ella Wheeler Wilcox

The real challenge for the 1980's and beyond is not the retraining of workers, it is the retraining of management." John Naisbitt

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." - Mitch Radcliffe

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says: What's the problem officer?

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80. YThe man gives wife a dirty look."

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. The man gives his wife a dirty look.

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

Man turns to his wife and yells: For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut your friggin' trap!

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from the audience. A man volunteered & went up on  stage. The magician told him to pick up the 16 lb. sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement block & break the block apart with the sledgehammer, so the audience would know the sledgehammer was real.

So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might &  shattered the cement block. The magician now told the man to hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer. Horrified, the man said, "No way. It'll probably kill you". The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, "I'll be fine...I promise you...go ahead." "Well,", the man replied, "OK here goes."

Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the magicians face. The result was very bloody. The magicians nose was crushed, teeth fell out, blood everywhere. After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, "Ta-da!"

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "Not everyone
is as cheap as you are."

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passangers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all three fork  over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says "There!"

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their  underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke: "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

"I was maried 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wive died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.

Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, Yeni Raki, Efes Pilsen, wine coolers, diet Tab. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay..you're already dead.
Guy: Cool!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, black-jack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to speed?
Guy: Yeah!!!
Demon: Then you're in luck! Thursday is driving day. Help yourself to a Porsche, BMW, Ferrari, Mercedes, you name it, and there's no speed limit! This is even better than Montana, cause if you crash and burn, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: This is great!

Demon: You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Friday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, too bad... You're gonna hate Saturdays

Everyone has a purpose in life, though for most it appears to be, "serve as a warning for others".

For the technically impaired: Java: write once: test everywhere.

To be sure of hitting the target shoot first, then call  whatever you hit the target

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?

He said the reflector is broken.

I can fix that in two minutes. What else?

I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"

Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife.
Dear Diary:

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his er... "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?

Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet, and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.

Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!

Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. Argh!

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get   ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone,  and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said
the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't   realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:"You are not getting older, You are just getting better." Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said,"Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

The young lady admired the watch in the store window every   time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day  and said, "Just how much is that watch?"

"It's $2000, ma'am."

"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"

"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."

His And Hers ATMs
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

I have a job that processes book orders that people have placed by mail. Sometimes, the books ordered tell a whole story in and of themselves. Here are three that have kept us laughing:

One order for two books-
1. "How to win every argument"
2. "Conversations with God"

Another order-
"For My Only True Love"
Note-please send three copies

Last order for four books-
"Getting along with mean people"
"How not to be mean"
"How to stay lovers for life"-two copies please

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.

"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.

"Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!"

"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"

The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting   together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across  their path, totally nude. "Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!" the  Frenchman said, smacking his lips.

So the Italian shot her.

MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN

SMILING AT EVERYONE CAN BE RISKY

You have to feel bad for people with tough jobs.

Some exert themselves so much, even their teeth start to sweat. Some get themselves so dirty, even their dogs run away. And some have to tell so many lies and half-truths, even the president is outraged.

But all those people have it easy compared with the poor souls who, despite low wages and paltry benefits, are required to smile all day.  It's easy to smile a few times a day, such as when your children make breakfast, when your dental appointment gets canceled, or when your
boss calls off sick.

But try smiling all the time, no matter your mood, no matter how crazy the person in front of you looks.

Many workers, especially those in customer service, are expected to smile about 10,000 times a day, more than Bob Dole has smiled since he discovered Viagra.

It's no wonder that 12 Safeway employees in Martinez, Calif., recently filed grievances over the supermarket chain's policy requiring them to smile and make eye contact with shoppers. The employees say their smiles are mistaken for flirting by some shoppers, people who obviously do not get out much.

Yes, smiling can be risky business in today's world, where some people are so desperate for relationships, they're willing to date prisoners. They place personal ads that read: "Single white female, young, attractive and disease-free, searching for an eligible bachelor, especially one who's eligible for parole."

Richelle Roberts, a produce clerk at Safeway, told the Associated Press that she's hit on every day by men who think she's interested in them. "Let ME decide who I am going to say hello to with a big smile," Roberts said.

That would certainly be more spontaneous and sincere. And it would help all those clerks who have trouble acting.

Some struggle just to remember their lines: "Thank you for shopping at K mart. Would you like fries with that?"

Others get the words right, but make eye contact with the floor.

I'd rather have a clerk who acts sincerely than one who does a poor job faking it.

Under Safeway's policy, employees are also expected to anticipate customers' needs and take them to things they cannot find. This could pose some problems.

Customer: "Excuse me, do you know where I can find a cheap motel?"

Clerk, smiling: "Yes, sir, I can take you there. And perhaps you'd first like to buy a can of Raid?"

To help smile-challenged clerks, a company will soon invent a special register that rings up a customer's purchase and then tickles the clerk. The bigger the purchase, the longer the tickle.

Or perhaps a company will develop a transparent  wedge that clerks can place between their lips to create permanent smiles.

Male shopper to friend: "Hey, did you see how much that cute clerk was smiling at me? She really wants me."

Friend: "You idiot, she's paid to smile like that. If we had all our teeth and could smile like her, we'd also have jobs. But did you see her making eye contact with me? Man, she was really checking me out."

Male shopper: "You dope, of course she was checking you out. She works in the checkout lane."

A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas.

He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"