Bad Jokes 25 : The Quarter Century

When John Glenn returns from space, everybody dress in ape suits. You have six days in which to bury the Statue of Liberty up to her head.

EVERYBODY HURRY!!!

A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon.  As they are driving through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"

The guy stops the car.  His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug.  They make love like never before.

Back in the car, the guys says, "Darlin',  you sure never moved like that forty year ago -- or any time since that I can remember."

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door,and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse manure, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" the

Salesman says,"why do you ask?"

She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,

"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....

"Information.  Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please."  Pause.  "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing   for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no.  It isn't a person.  It's an organization.  It's Theater
Guild."

"I told you, sir.  I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not *Theodore*!  *Theater*!  The word is *theater*.  T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

to be sung to the music of "I will survive"

At first I was afraid I was petrified,
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side,
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed,
I tried to go,
Walk out the door,
But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore,
And now you're sitting on my face,
my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers
aren't made of liquorice lace,
I want to go,
I've got to leave,
Before your fat and naked body makes me bend over and heave,
I only hope that no-one saw me walking home with such a slut,
Your dirty hairy pussy looks just like a septic cut,
I can't believe,
I'm lying here,
It's all cos of that fucking evil drink that we call beer,
You can Sod your beer goggles,
shit I must have been blind
To mistake that hoover dam for a sexy young behind,
Please let me go,
I'm getting scared,
Theres nothing I can do to stop those awful breasts from being bared,
I think that I must have been mad,
God what made me want to court her
With tits that look like tesco bags I've just filled up with water,
It's time to go,
run out the door,
She's started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor,
I don't think there's anything worse
than the al-co-hol-lics curse,
But this time that's it, I quit, I can't take more of this shit!!!

Here's a list of summer camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:

Tommy Lee's
Camp Kickachick

Monica Lewinsky's
Camp Suckaweewee

President Clinton's
Camp Getahoochie

Ellen DeGeneres's
Camp Lickacoochie

Kenneth Star's
Camp Catchacrook

O.J. Simpson's
Camp Killachick

Lorena Bobbit's
Camp Cutaweewee

Tonya Harding's
Camp Clubaknee

Pamela Lee's
Camp Lottatatas

Michael Jackson's
Camp Wannabewhitey

A man was being interviewed for a job in Bown and Root:
"Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a para", responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in the Falklands and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs, I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 11:00 AM."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 8 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 8 and 11. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest.He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."What's wrong with you?" said the priest."Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is becauseI wasn't always a frog.""Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!""Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest.'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you.""That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?.""Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & warmth and with a good night's sleep would wake up a boy once again.""Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home.The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11 year old Choir boy beside him in bed, "And that my lord is the case for the Defence....... "

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.  Jon offers Amanpreet a bet.  "Let's say we bet $50."

Amanpreet agrees and they're off. 

They do a great game.  After the 8th hold, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball.  Look over there," he said to Jon.

After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.  "I've found my ball!!!" he announces.

Jon looks at him.  "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"

"What do you mean, cheat?  I found my ball sitting right there!"

"And you're a liar, too!" Jon said.  "I have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died  and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

A small boy asks his Dad, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad told him.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has a dirty diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

A bright and blustery autumn day saw old Grumpy Smith stroll down the road to the river Dee at Peterculter, salmon rod in hand, box of trusted flies in his pocket, large landing net strapped to his back and full of optimism. The conditions were perfect for catching specimen salmon.

And so an idyllic day commenced and slowly declined into one of disappointment. No one had informed the fish that the day was perfect for fishing! Not a bite was to be had ( I have personal experience of this phenomenon)

Eventually old grumpy decided 'just one more cast and that is it I'm off to the pub defeated'

A perfect cast was rolled down and across his favourite pool and the fly allowed to drift through the spot where many a fine fish had been fatally fooled by his masterly deception. Suddenly a tug ! Grumpy's heart missed a beat and leapt from his chest. The fish was on, however, it was soon apparent that although the fish was putting up a spirited fight it was not of a trophy size. A very small salmon was subsequently beached after not too much trouble.

Grumpy eyed the gasping tiddler and decided whether to kill the fish or release it. The miserable old git decided that because of his lack of luck he would dispatch the brute and scoff it for his tea! He raised the priest above the fish's head and brought it down sharply. Before the blow connected, Grumpy was startled by a high pitched scream! ' Please don't kill me!' Incredibly, the voice was that of the diminutive salmon.

Grumpy, scarcely believing his ears enquired 'why not?'

The fish pleaded ' I'm only a very young salmon and have spent all my short life in the Dee. The time has come for me to leave the river of my childhood and venture forth into the sea. I don't want to die now before seeing anything of the world. Please don't kill me'

'Alright' said Grumpy ' you are only a small fish and would hardly satisfy for a fine dinner and besides, a talking fish must be somewhat rare. But before I let you go, tell me your name?'

' Thank you, I'll will not forget your kindness, my name is Rusty, farewell my friend'

'Well, take care Rusty and enjoy your life. Watch out for those seals!' said the still dumbfounded Grumpy as he carefully slipped the fish back into the river.

An so the new found friends parted. Many years passed and Grumpy continued to fish the same stretch of the Dee at Peterculter and caught many fine salmon. He often wondered about the the fate of wee Rusty. Eventually the memory faded along with Grumpys increasing age until the encounter was no longer believed to be true and the memory put down to too many bankside nips at the time. 'talking fish indeed!'

When, another fine blustery autumn day, Grumpy hooked a fish. This fish was a monster and very hard fighting! After two and a half hours of struggle between man and fish, Grumpy was about to give up and cut the line to release it, his heart and lungs were about to give out, the mighty silver fish leapt from the river sending a plume of spray through the air sparkling in the golden rays of the September sun. Grumpy was agasp at the beautiful sight, this was a fish of a lifetime! Strangely, in mid air the salmons eye met Grumpys and there was a flash of recognition! On splash down the fight ended abruptly and the salmon swam directly to the shore.

The mighty fish stuck its head out of the water and said ' Grumpy is that you, you old bugger?'

'Yes, yes it is' replied the old man ' And you must be Rusty all grown-up!'

The man carefully removed the hook from the fish's mouth. 'Well how have you been since our last meeting?'

'Well very fine indeed. Thanks to you I've a had an exciting and full life.' said the fish

'Tell me about the things you have seen and done then' asked the man.

'Oh after you let me go I swam straight down to the sea and didn't look at another fly! At Aberdeen harbour I dodged the supply boats and gave those blooming seals the slip! The open sea was brilliant compared to the claustrophobic Dee. I swam South first passing Montrose and Dundee. I had a look in the Forth to see the impressive sight of the rail bridge then continued South by-passing England and on to Paris in France. Swimming up the Seine taking in the wonderful sights of the Eiffel tower, the Louvre, Notre Dame, etc. That gave me a bit of a taste for continental life and I decided to head down and into the Med and tour the South of France, Italy, Croatia, Greece. I visited Turkey, the Holy Land and up the Nile into Egypt to see the Pyramids which was nice before exiting through the Suez Canal and into the Red sea. The Red Sea was great but I didnae hang about because it was hoaching with nobbie clarks! I crossed the Arabian Sea to India and called into Bombay. It was quite interesting but absolutely humming!'

And so the mighty salmons tale unfolded of the exotic far east, the Antipodes, the Pacific, North and South Americas, the vast Atlantic Ocean, finally returning to the North Sea compelled by instinct to return to the Dee to find a mate and spawn a new generation.

At the end of the story Grumpy sighed and said 'well in your relatively short life you have seen and done much more than I could ever hope to achieve in all the long years of my life. I'm very happy I decided to release you that fateful day. Tell me in all the things you've seen and done, what above all was the most moving experience?'

The great fish looked pensive and said 'that would have to be the wreck of the Titanic. As I crossed the Atlantic I was told stories of the wreck and the disaster which befell the vessel, its crew and passengers. I saw many icebergs on the way and felt that I had to see the ship myself. After several months searching I found the Titanic 2 miles below the cruel ocean surface. It was an awesome and emotional sight. I spent several weeks there swimming around in the dark silence. The ship was perfectly preserved. Many items were just as they were that fateful day many years before. The shear tragedy of the deaths of so many poor people in the freezing harsh environment of the Atlantic was very moving indeed.'

Grumpy was entranced and a small tear rolled down his wisened old cheek.

The fish continued ' it was such an experience I was moved to write a series of poems about what I had seen. By chance I was caught by an American Publisher to whom I revealed the work I had done. He too was very moved by my poems and demanded that I allow him to publish them in the States. So I agreed.'

'What were the poems called' asked Grumpy

'The Titanic Verses by Salmon Rusty' declared the fish.

(Grumpy yelled "Allah Akhbar" and gutted Rusty alive and had him for his tea)

The end

A man is on a fishing holiday, just him and his rod and a bit of peace and quiet. He's been sitting in the same spot every day for a week,and every day he's seen another man on the other side of the lake, quietly fishing. After a week he wanders round to the man to engage in a bit of angling related banter.

"On fishing holiday are you?" our man enquires.
"Nah, I'm on my honeymoon", says the second man.
"Honeymoon ?", says the first geezer,"...shouldn't you be with your wife making love to her like a frenzied weasel?"
"Can't do that mate," says the newlywed, "...she's got crabs, herpes and ripping vaginal lesions"
"That's unfortunate," replies the fisherman,"...but can't you go brown and give it to her up the 'Queen Mum' ?"
"No chance," says the hapless bridegroom, ".....she's got anal chancroids, bleeding haemorrhoids, and a bad case of bacterial dysentry".
"Sounds nasty," comments our man, "...but surely she can give you a blow job?"
"I'd rather not", says the newlywed,"....she's got foot and mouth, coldsores, and her teeth are green and rotting".
"She sounds horrific," comments the fisherman,"...why the fuck did you marry her?"
"For the maggots"

A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"

The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."

The blond then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one.

The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?"

She replies "It's a thermos."

He asks, "What does it do?"

She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

He then asks, "What do you have in there?"

"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to
manage as best she could."

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's into the dog trick aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well... not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead."

Federal Bureau of Investigation
Crime Lab 2A-3356N, Wash DC

DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson


Dear Mr. Starr:

The test on the dress came back inconclusive.
Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.


Sorry,

The FBI

From last week's Evening Standard ...

To conclude this short season of gratuitously anti-feminist reviews, I shall now present the results of my latest scientific research. I have long suspected that lager contains traces of female hormones, and to prove my theory I have carried out extensive tests. I administered 12 pints of beer a night for 6 months to each of 100 men, and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight (including breasts), talked excessively without making sense, became emotional and couldn't drive. I rest my case.....

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to himand says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending. Suddenly there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to  give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.

They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had.

He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.

A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN
IT'S HARD TO GET REST IN A RESTROOM

Three of my friends and I recently drove to Orlando, Florida, for a short vacation, a trip filled with more adventure than a date with Bill Clinton.

At Universal Studios, a major tourist attraction, we survived a twister, an earthquake and several long lines.

At Gatorland, we watched some alligators swallow several pieces of chicken, and then we decided to swallow several pieces of alligator. (Alligator meat is so tasty, you'll feel like going hunting. For some real food.)

At a pizza restaurant, we encountered another member of Florida's impressive wildlife: a large, flying cockroach. Better known as the state bird. It was so big, I thought it was someone's pet. But no one claimed it before the cook captured it and took it somewhere in the kitchen, perhaps to feed to an alligator or the next customer. With so much competition in the pizza industry, you can never offer too many toppings.

The biggest adventure of the vacation came during the 14-hour drive to Florida. It was a never-ending adventure called "Who can find a clean restroom?"

When I came to America years ago, I often wondered why public bathrooms are called "restrooms." I looked all around but couldn't find any bathroom stalls that were furnished with beds.

Many restrooms are so smelly, they're the last places I'd want to get some rest.

But during my trip to Florida, I realized that the term "restrooms" makes a lot of sense, because the workers assigned to clean the rooms are often taking a rest.

You can never be sure what you'll find in a restroom. And if the restroom isn't clean, you're better off heading to the woods.

I don't mind being friendly with strangers, but I don't want a stranger's germs getting too friendly with mine.

Using a restroom is an adventure partly because you have to figure out how to operate the faucet, a skill that often requires a college degree. Every restroom in America seems to have a unique faucet, a tribute to this country's great faucet inventors. Some faucets are automatic, while others require users to push, pull, turn, jump, or pray.

If you manage to operate the faucet, you have another problem: drying your hands. Many restrooms have done away with paper towels, leaving you with two choices: spending a few years holding your hands under the air dryer or wiping your hands on your pants. Most men prefer the second choice because it helps clean their pants.

Here's three other tips on using public restrooms while traveling:

---It's a major faux pas to mistake a sink for a urinal. Sinks come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, as do urinals. If you're confused, here's an important tip: The floor is usually dry around the sinks.

---Always wash your hands after using a public restroom. And if you've taken any magazines or newspapers into the restroom, make sure you incinerate them.

---If you're really desperate to use a bathroom, you may pull over to the side of the road to admire nature and make a modest contribution. But here's a warning: In Florida, you should always watch out for alligators, especially if you're a man and want to remain one. Alligators snap their jaws at almost anything. They're more dangerous than Lorena Bobbitt.

Remember this important tip: It's always better to hold it than lose it.

When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs on his pipe and said, "I have an informal piece of advice for you, Miss Bell.  There's only one way you can get along in this school without submitting to the sexual advances of the principal."

"Oh my God!  Well, er, what was is that?"

"I'll explain it, " he continued, "as soon as you've undressed."

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.  "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears:

"OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really piss these bears off. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth"

"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster pissed off, and you guys get the cubs ? That's not fair!"

"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."

One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume party.  All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse".

As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman.  Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"

"I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"O.K." said the professor.  "Just say I came in my pants"

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer.)






































The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first
place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.
Women, end e-mail here. Men, keep scrolling.



















































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman
must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.


By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this brings up
another point: women never listen either.