Bad Jokes 22 : Dr Bad Jokes

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the hell happened?!?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"  The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."

Black tarmac road surface and red tarmac road surface are sat in the pub having a quiet pint. They are discussing red tarmac road surface's ability to stand up for himself when it comes to being pushed around by some of their other road-surface acquaintances. Black tarmac road surface suggests to red tarmac road surface that next time one of the other road surfaces tries to oppress him in a physical manner then he should call their bluff and ask if they would like to step outside to settle their differences.
Before red tarmac road surface can reply, in comes concrete road surface, who has a hard-surface reputation. He approaches their table and says aggressively to red tarmac road surface "Oi you, buy us a pint NOW". Red tarmac road surface,   considering what black tarmac road surface has just said to him, pauses, and says quietly "No, I think you should buy your own drink".
This enrages concrete road surface so much that he invites red tarmac road surface outside, saying that if he won't buy a round then he is going to teach him a lesson. To his surprise, red tarmac road surface agrees to this and to the evident delight of black tarmac road surface, they both troop outside. 30 seconds later, red tarmac road surface staggers back through the front door of the pub, slightly cut and bruised, but he punches the air triumphantly and shouts "I fuckin 'ad 'im" to black tarmac road surface. They then start to celebrate red tarmac road surface's victory by drinking heavily.
Several days later, black tarmac road surface and red tarmac road surface are sat in the same pub, mulling over red tarmac road surface's famous victory. As they do so, concrete road surface walks in with his mate green tarmac road surface. They approach the bar, having seen the two other road surfaces sat in the corner. Black tarmac road surface looks over at red  tarmac road surface, only to see his friend shaking with fear under the table. He looks down and says "What the fuck's up with you, you 'ad 'im the other night?". "Yeah I know", says red tarmac road surface, "but look who's with him.
That's green tarmac road surface, he's a fuckin' cycle path!"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

There were three surgeons who were discussing their patients one day after work: "You should see the German patients," said the first surgeon,"when you open them up, they're insides are like a precision piece of machinery -well crafted and extremely well-tuned".

"That is nothing," said the second surgeon, "you should see the Japanese -they are compact, efficient and spare parts are included!"

"You guys really haven't operated until you've seen an Australian," boasted the third surgeon, "they are simply a dream -only two moving parts... the mouth and the rectum -and both are readily interchangeable!"

90 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he is feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

What has four legs and is covered with pubic hair?

Clinton's desk!

Why was Monica arrested while exiting the White House?

She had a wad of Bill's.

When catalytic converters were first introduced on a wider scale, my brother walked through the town and saw a car with two stickers on it that were in the same type-script and so close to one another that you had to read them in one go. They read:
Jesus is our sole salvation -
Now also unleaded!

"Dad?" the young red-indian boy asks his father,"why's my brother called two-eagles-flying?"
"Well, my boy", his father replies,"when your mother got your brother, i looked outside the tippy, and there I saw two eagles flying across the sky. So I called him two-eagles-flying."
"Dad, why's my sister called cow-bellowing?"
"Well, my boy, when your mother got your sister, I looked outside, and there I saw this cow bellowing. So i called her this way."
"Dad, why's my younger brother called rain-falling?"
"Well, my son, when your younger brother was born, I opened the flaps of the tippy, and out there the rain was falling, so I called him rain-falling. Why are you asking, two-dogs-fucking?"

The little polar bear walks through the snow and come up to his dad.
"Dad, am I really a polar bear?"
"Why? Yes, of course you are."
"Couldn't it be that I am a brown bear?"
"No."
"Or perhaps a koala bear?"
"No."
"Or..."
"Look here, son, if you don't trust me, go to your mother and ask her, okay?"
"Okay."
So the little polar bear goes and searches for his mum. When he has found her, he asks her:
"Mum, am I really a polar bear?"
"Why, yes you are, son."
"Am I not perhaps a brown bear?"
"No."
"Or a koala?"
"No."
"Or...."
"Look, son, your father is a polar bear, I am a polar bear, your grand-parents are polar-bears, all your brothers and sisters are polar bears, even your aunts and uncles are polar bears. So you have to be a polar bear as well. Why do you think you aren't?
"Because I am freezing!"

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road, After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is furthur amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!.......The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,'says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde reading a book called Sex Statistics.
'Any good?', he asks.
'Fascinating - American Indians have the widest pricks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Jane.'
'Hi,' he says. 'I'm Tonto Palawlaski.'

" It's strange, isn't it.You stand in the middle of a library and go Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said "Yes, this is my livelihood."

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers,yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist.He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.I thought'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. 'And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Snappy comebacks to some dodgy chat-up lines

O dear Lads, looks like we'll have to think up some new lines - women these days seem to have an answer to everything! (oh yeah, and before you jump to conclusions Andy, Hamish etc., no these replies aren't due to over-enthusiastic research on my part!

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter"

Man: "How do your like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell you want me."
Woman: "Ohhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and me hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

True Story!

An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.

Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".

Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember.

So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane".

Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more an more passengers began yelling that USAir had no right to remove gays from their flights.

As far as I know, they are still on the tarmac fighting it out. ;-)

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston...

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma`am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can`t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I`m very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you`re also very inconsiderate."

The soldier didn`t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you`ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"

Snow White & the seven Dwarfs

Miss Snow White was a randy cow
And desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck.
She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi, you'd better drop your pick"
So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!
"The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?
"Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer
"So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.
"Relax" you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fuckin load.
The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarfs left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!
"But not sooner had he entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,That he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law.
"He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick
"With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can take no more!
"And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.
Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that spadge inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.
There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
When you next buy 7-Up!