Bad Jokes 21 : Bad Jokes Academy
Mark enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the
bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks
inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you
gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look
good, then I know it's time to go home."
These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy
summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up
from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one
side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a
completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did
you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"
The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we
pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."
At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to
bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast table and took their seats.
Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your
lesson?"
"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George
Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven
because he told the truth."
"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he
chopped it down!!!"
This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says,
"Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas."
"Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her
clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"
The guy says, "No, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each
other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on
pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the
'Obits' page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes
that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in
preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their
database, premature and erroneous..
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up yet?"
Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in the morning already. So,
what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues. Finally, Jake comes
on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Saul, where are you calling me from right
now?"
A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went
for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What
would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they
rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he
asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse
he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see
her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time
tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.
Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good
citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY
?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding
and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at Bob and said,
"You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy
in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said,
"What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does an asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over
there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand,
then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What
the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a
bridge!
Thinking
I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I
decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird
at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really
loving it.
Now I ride on escalators all the time
I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I
licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I licked it faster and faster, and
harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and
creamy. I was done.
I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookie.
I squeezed it gently at first, then a little bit harder. There seemed to be more and more
of it. I moved it towards my lips. It was a strange and new sensation for me. I put it in
my mouth and moved it around and around with my tongue. The time soon came when I knew I
had to spit it out.
It was quite an experience the first time I tasted toothpaste.
It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my
fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and
the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.
Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.
I knew it could be done. I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it. I called my
friend. He said he knew how to do it and would teach me. He put his arms around me and
started. I watched nervously in the mirror. He finally finished and pulled back slowly. I
felt relieved that it was over.
I hate neckties.
It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do
with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better. I knew how
great it would be if I just started eating it.
But I decided on ketchup for my burger.
They were two of the biggest balls I had ever seen! They hung so heavy and low. I tried
lifting them gently, but that wasn't enough. They had to be pulled, and I pulled on them
very very hard. They finally came.
I moved them to a higher spot on the Christmas tree.
And Just What Were You Thinkin' ????
Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6
characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an
E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus
or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you
have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Addto that a large database of
company/college Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the
individual involved, however:
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
===============================
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) -
btkisser@bendover.com
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com
90's Man
Here is a standard to aim for!!
Appeared in Sky Magazine a few months ago - who says the 90's man isn't caring and
sensitive.
From Laura, 24:
"Last year at a Christmas party, I got off with this gorgeous bloke called Ben. He
was a real arrogant git, but I've always been attracted to bastards.
Little did I know this bloke was the biggest shit imaginable. We went back to my place and
he pounced on me straightaway. Within minutes, he was shagging me frantically from behind
on the sofa. I began to think that doing it that way was really impersonal.
"Let me turn around, I want to see your face," I slurred in my drunken state.
But Ben just carried on regardless. I tried to move round myself, but he held me in place,
grunting something about his jeans round his ankles making it difficult to move.
I was getting well cheesed off and I could feel he was about to finish. I suddenly found
myself groaning, "I want to see your face as you cum".
I felt him reach down into his pocket and just as he reached orgasm, he thrust his bus
pass in front of my face. I stared miserably at a passport photo of the git as he shot his
load behind me."
The truth behind the Clinton affair:
Clinton Blames Cook
For all of you that were so disturbed about tales of Clinton's infidelity you'll be
relieved to read this! This is the real story behind the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. Bill was
hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to
get a replacement at short notice. When the fellow arrived Clinton noticed he was very
grubby looking, and voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was
the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed
the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to his chief
of staff about the cook, only to be told that this man was supposed to be a very good
chef. The meal went ok, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and
by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was
getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to
look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook scratching
his behind and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent
cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened
and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled
into Monica Lewinsky's office with histrousers around his knees! As he was just about to
pass out, she bent over him and heard him whisper in a barely audible voice, 'MONICA,
PLEASE SACK MY COOK!' And that folks is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.........
ONE FOR THE GIRLS IN THE OFFICE!
The Truth About Men
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A Widow.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married Women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating Adam?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They are married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rear-view mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in chequebook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in chequebook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and chequebook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his
arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doc
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One
night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he
wasn't drinking anything.
The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks."
"Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick
after drinking at times!"
"No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"
Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the
last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President
voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could
do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to
taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told
that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President
was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting
to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner
to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon,
scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill
with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to
the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened
and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled
into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a
barely audible voice, "sack my cook".
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and
Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and
I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...
Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the
bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"
No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Glady s with her panties around her
ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find
the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a
London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the
London Sunday Times!
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have
brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the
shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my
way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
---
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took
the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I
took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change
your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
---
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap.
When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf
under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have
brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays
which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by
the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the
soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the
medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in
last Monday.
Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last
evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to
your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
---
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM
and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last
night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about
those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new
check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along
with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have
accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the
extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and
5PM.Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
---
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own
bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little
Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand
why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap
each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept
my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
-
------------------------------------------------------------------
--- --
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in
last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54
little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do
you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath
size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to
Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays
which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know
where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some
bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
---
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
- 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and
dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I
suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for
future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning,
peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back
of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou
written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was
the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying
pan swatting.
MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse called."
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the
accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You
asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of
a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over
which when weighed later were found to
weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth
floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded
the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a
slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that
my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind
and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side
of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull,
minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting
form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my
right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this
correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to
experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground- -and the
bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a
rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the
barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me
enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only
three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I
again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Thats GOTTA hurt!