A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.

"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man....

"But it's startin' to twitch."

 Mrs. Perkins was talking to her hair stylist. "It's silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her   hair."

"What do you mean?" the beautician asked.

"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon."

 A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

 A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go duck hunting. He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go duck hunting with me, I'll do ya anally or you can give me a blowjob.

I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back." Hubby returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna be?"

She say's, "There's no way I'm going duck hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob." A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says, "Jesus, you taste like shit."

"Oh yeah," he replies, "The dog didn't want to go duck huntin' either."

A Red Indian Chief calls his three sons into his tepee. He announces that he has decided on names for them all as they are all coming of age and have passed the required tests. The Chief sits his sons down with the elders of the tribe and passes the peace pipe around. 'Son number one - you shall be known - ....'

Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?'

Chief replies - 'I will come to you in turn my son'. The chief continues: 'Son number one - you shall be known as Eagle'

Son number one asks why.'As you will be strong and precise in battle - fearing no others - the elders agree' The peace pipe is passed to son number two.

Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?'

Chief replies - 'I will come to you in turn my son'. The chief continues: 'Son number Two - you shall be known as Swallow.

Son number two asks why.

Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?'

Chief replies - 'I will come to in turn my son'.

The chief continues talking to son number two: 'As you will be swift and silent - surprising your enemy in battle - the elders agree.'

The chief turns to the third son - 'Son number Three - you shall be known as Thrush

Son No. three asks 'Why Thrush?'

'Because my son you are an irritating cunt - the elders agree'

Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms.

The more boastful of the two.....went right to it and made love to his date... leaned over and marked a "l" on the wall....Feeling sprightly, he went again... and once again at the completion of the act ..marked another "l" on the wall - next to the first. Figuring he had the bet in the bag.. he decided to relax a bit and in relaxing....fell asleep.

Awakened by the sun's rays coming in the window... he quickly grab his lady and did it one more time...... and marked another "l" on the wall...

Just at that time ..His friend enters...and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims:

"DAMN- a hundred and eleven... beat me by three...."

 Two farmhands went to a country dance. One of the hands, Joe, had a wooden eye and was very self-conscious about it. Joe told the other guy, Bill, that he was worried about someone saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him not to worry because it was a good eye and most people couldn't tell it from a real eye.

Bill danced nearly every dance as there was a lot of farmgirls there. Joe just didn't dance at all. Finally, Bill went over to Joe and asked if he had danced with any of the girls. Joe told him that he had not because he was concerned about them saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him again not to be concerned about it. Bill pointed to a girl sitting across the room and told Joe, "See that good-looking girl over there? She's got a hair-lip and hasn't danced but once or twice. I danced with her once and she's an excellent dancer and real polite. Go over ther and ask her to dance. She won't say anything about your wooden eye." So Joe had a couple of more snorts of courage and went over to the hair-lipped girl and asked, "Do you want to dance?" To which she replied in a high pitched hair-lipped voice, "Would I,   Would I!!!"

To which Joe replied, "Hair-lip, Hair-lip!!!!"

 After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

 Arnold the elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river."Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

 A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine." he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor."

The surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

 A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk,

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35", was the reply. "I'm actually 47", the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man though "what the hell" and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

This couple is driving along the freeway somewhere in the Karoo and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything.....the heat, the Long drive, the bad drivers, the country, the bad drivers in the country etc etc......and his wife is getting the absolute shits with his depressing talk. So she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my Swiss Army knife......".

About half an hour later, sure as nuts, he starts complaing again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guys John Thomas off and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three....husband, wife and their 8 year old daughter. The penis suddenly lands on their car's windscreen and the father, in an absolute panic as he doesn't want his daughter to see quickly puts the windscreen wipers on to get the dick off the windscreen and out of the view of his daughter.

After he does this the daughter asks: "Daddy, what was that??".

Her father, still in a panic, replies " Oh it was only a butterfly my dear", to which his daughter replies "Fuck, did you see the size of its cock||||||"

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over."

Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."

Mortician: "How can you tell?"

Al: "George had two fucken assholes."

Mortician: "What? How do you mean he had two assholes?"

Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, 'Here comes George with those two fucken assholes!'"

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted;the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car?  Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's  the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

 For all you road rage sufferers........

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did.  What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought

about  the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. The bumper sticker  really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me  started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and  yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO, JESUS CHRIST, GO!".

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of these loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him  yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with  only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that ment. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me it was the Hawaiian good luck sign.

So, I leaned out the window, and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of  the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I   noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas.  And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there, leaned way out the window,  gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times.  He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've  overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him.

She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a  list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."