Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Mick the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will you look at how fookin short that runway is".

"Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Mick.

"Tis is gonna be one a' the trickiest landings you are ever see" said Paddy.

"Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Mick.

"Right Mick. When I give the signal, you put ta engines in reverse" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Mick.

"And ten you put the flaps down straight away" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Mick.

"And ten you stamp on tem brakes as hard as you can" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Mick.

"And ten you pray to ta Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Mick.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Mick full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Mick put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Mick and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Mick

"Tat has gotta be the shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in my whole life"

.Mick looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too".

 My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

 A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!". The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way is it headed?"

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads "WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

 Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh?  And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, sir."

 The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.   "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied.  "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."

 Did you hear about the Polish Navy's tragic accident?

A hundred and thirty-seven sailors drowned trying to push-start their new submarine.

 Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable childhood as an orphan in the ghetto.  When he turned 18 he joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating out of the discarded cans and jars.

"On your free, Lizard Pecker," he bellowed.   "You'll eat in the message hall -- you're no better than the rest of us!"

 The Master Chief was inspecting the barracks and he overheard one terrified recruit whisper, "Master Chief Barnes has the heart of a tiny child . . . on his desk . . . in a jar."

Without missing a beat, Master Chief Barnes snarled, "Goddamned if they don't find out EVERY little thing about you!"

 An airliner is traveling cross country when the pilot runs into mechanical difficulties. The only way to keep their altitude is to get rid of some excess weight. So he asks the stewardess to get rid of all of the baggage in the cargo hold, which she does. She then goes back up to the cockpit to let him know that it was taken care of.

The pilot said that they still were too heavy, and if they were to make it they'd have to get rid of more weight. The stewardess told him all that was left was the passengers.

The pilot told her that they would have to get rid of some.

She was appalled, "How do we decide who goes?"

The pilot replied, "We'll do it alphabetically!"

She said, "I can't do it!!"

So the pilot went back to explain to the passengers what was going on, and what had to be done.

The passengers were all afraid.

"Okay," said the pilot, "here we go. We'll start with 'A,'--all African Americans off the plane."

Then he goes, "'B'--all Blacks off the plane."

Then, "'C'--all Coloreds off the plane."

Meanwhile there's a young boy and his father sitting in their seats who happen to be black. The young boy looks up at his father and says,

"Dad, aren't we Black-African Americans?"

The father replies, "No, not today, son. Today we're niggers."

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.

2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.

3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.

4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.

5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.

6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.

7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.

8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street and claim its not humiliating your sense of national pride.

9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.

10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.>

1. You can have a woman president without electing her.

2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.

3. You can call Budweiser beer.>

4. You can be a crook and still be president.

5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.

6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.>

7. You get to be really obese.

8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".

10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.

10a. When you're not.

10b. At all.

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.

2. Warm beer.

3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.

4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.

5. Union jack underpants.

6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.

7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.

8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.

9. Ditto changing underwear.

10. Beats being Welsh.

10a. Or Scottish.

2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.

3. No need to worry about tax returns.

4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.

5. Can wear sunglasses inside.

6. Political stability.

7. Flexible working hours.

8. Live near the Pope.

9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.

10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.

2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.

3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.

4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.

5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.

6. Honesty...

7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.

8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.

9. Gibraltar.

10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

1a. Masala Dosai.

1. Chicken Madras.

2. Lamb Passanda.

3. Onion Bhaji.

4. Bombay Potatoe.

5. Chicken Tikka Masala.

6. Rogan Josh.

7. Popadoms.

8. Chicken Dopiaza.

9. Lamb Boona.

1. Guinness.

2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.

3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.

4. Pubs never close.

5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.

6. No one can ever remember the night before.

7. Kill people you don't agree with.

8. Stew.

9. More Guinness.

10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

1. It beats being an American.

2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.

10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilised nation on earth wanted.

2. Fosters Lager.

3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.

4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.

5. Tact and sensitivity.

6. Bondi Beach.

7. Other beaches.

8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.

9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.

10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

 A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows.".

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?".

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

 A man had an IQ of 168 and he was finding it really difficult to make friends with normal people, so he went to see what his doctor could do for him. As luck would have it, the Doc had just purchased an amazing new machine that could shrink the size of the human brain. He strapped him into the contraption and flipped the switch. Just at that moment the telephone rang and the doctor went to answer it.

Five minutes later he came back and realized he'd forgotten about the genius he'd strapped into the machine. "Oh my god!" he cried as he switched off the power. A quick test revealed the IQ of the man had been reduced to 1.

"Speak to me, say something - anything!" screamed the doctor.

Eventually, in a deep Neanderthal type voice the guy grunted "RAIN".

"Come on, come on, say something else - are you all right?" implored the Doc.

Again, all the man could grunt was "RAIN"

"What is it, what are you trying to say?" asked the doctor.

"RANGERS!"

1. Thou shalt not refer to members of the opposite sex using the dictionary defined words for them (such as woman or female). Terms such as bint, floss, tart, totty and muff should be used at all times.

2. Thou shalt not pass up opportunities to go out on the lager in order to see a bint, unless a shag is specifically promised by the floss. Any shag must be the first with this particular totty, and must be refused if the night is Friday which shall be spent with the lads and remain sacred.

3. Under no circumstances should sexual intercourse be undertaken during Match of The Day (known as "The Sabbath"). This commandment may be broken on the occasion of...

i) a one-night-stand floss ("cheap, filthy tart") being available for one night only.

ii) the one night stand bloke in question ("heroic stud") being heartily drunk

iii) the stud's video being set to record the Sabbath.

iv) you can, alternatively, see the Sabbath whilst the aforementioned tart provides a hearty blow job (every stud's right).

4. Thou shalt not eat "bint's food" i.e. quiche, salad, tofu, sweetcorn etc. Only food containing high amounts of cholesterol such as of fry-up's, curry, and kebabs may be consumed.

5. Thou shalt not address mates by their first names. Nicknames (such as nobber, one-night-Stan or shagger) or insults (tosser, mincer, fagboy) should be used at all times. Birds should be called their first names to their faces, but commandment 1 applies to floss in the event of them being out of earshot.

6. Thou shalt not cuddle, kiss, or show any affection to a tart after sexual intercourse has been attained, instead the "heroic stud" should immediately roll over so as not to be facing the "cheap, filthy tart", and fall asleep.

7. Thou shalt not indulge in any form of public displays of affection (PDA's) with a tart. This includes kissing, holding of hands, cuddling.......the only exception to this rule is an outdoor shag, with a new bird.

8. Thou shalt never speak to another bloke while at the urinal. Eyes should remain focused straight ahead at all times. Anyone who takes his time to start his business is obviously "just there to look" and anyone who uses a floss khazi (cubicle) obviously has a small one. These rules are final, and non-negotiable.

9. Thou shalt not attempt to do housework of any kind, irrespective of the amount of nagging from a bint. If a bint refuses to do any housework, seek aid from another tart (eg mother or grandmother). This commandment may only be breached if all avenues have been explored, and sexual favours have been revoked by the bint.

10. Thou shalt not be dragged to the shops on any day, especially Saturday afternoon whilst the football is on. Blokes do not do window shopping or go shopping but do not buy anything - if they were supposed to show this strange trait, they would have evolved a chuff of their own. The only shops that may be entered by blokes during the so called sacred hours (i.e. when footy is on telly) are off licences (for booze) and corner shops (for razz mags to make up for lack of bird servicing).

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART..

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject  under the sun..

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets.. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world..

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words..

 Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

 It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife is at the hospital in labor having their first child. He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife's side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby.  He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse.

She points at the crib and Joe says, "Yes, he's my son." The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor.

Joe is aghast. The nurse says, "Don't worry." She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it's testicles and swings it around her head.

Joe screams, "Stop you're killing my baby!!!!"

The nurse responds, "April Fools... It was born dead..."

 Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband   liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the  husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that  morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied,

"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't   even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"

 A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

 An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked... and all the furniture from the room filed in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo...I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club.  "Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?"

"No thanks," she said sweetly.  "I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."

 A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled,

"Here Soap! Here Water!"

 The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles such as:

13. WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

10. WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to "thay shings like thish".

9. WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).