Bad Jokes 18 : Bad Jokes Returneth
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by
the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?"asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young Woman "You have a healthy
bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and
nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that
the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money
and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business
and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a
little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who
immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother
exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that
the little bastard was going to bark!"
A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down
saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."
The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit
afraid of a mouse."
At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting
about how people refer to a penis in their countries.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up
when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if
it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the
act.
With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because
it goes from mouth to mouth ...
A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat." The lawyer said " You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 "for legal consultation".
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't
worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them
happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest,
the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon
as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all
night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear
whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The
diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the
diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you
able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
"I'm drowning, you moron!"
Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky:
- Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill
- She sucks
- She blows
- She's bloated
- She's the focus of a huge legal battle
- She'll go down in a heartbeat
Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he
walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the
vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have
a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After
they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's
going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder,
which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell
have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were
closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick
there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with
her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went
bowling again!!!"
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini.
The bartender says "What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is that
beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis".
After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says, "Isn't it a
coincidence that we are both having the same drink".
She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am
finally pregnant!"
"What a coincidence" the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years
of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken."
At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?".
"I had to try a lot of different cocks" he said.
The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a
gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed
trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk
away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think
it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why
did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning
a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided
to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend.
The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to
send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.
The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of
the other kind ?"
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking
up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving
his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the
damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make
this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from
here."
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is
still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it
straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it
all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his
girlfriend.
They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he'd ever seen them.
She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. "
He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the
CRATE!"
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man
smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her
seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out
laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a
manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read
"Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read
"Sloans Liniments remove swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a
shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could
not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which
read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been
informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on
relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to
suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they
ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."
An anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing
or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite
astounding:
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
When the president suffers from (media) overexposure
The scene: a darkened room somewhere in the White House. The players: your favourite
intrepid reporter, microphone in hand, and a nervous-looking lawyer.
CC: Greetings ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of Soft Copy, your
local investigative reporting show. Today -- eat your heart out, Wolf Blitzer -- I bring
you an exclusive interview with one of the 2,304 lawyers currently investigating the
Clinton administration. To protect his identity, we'll call him Sam.
SAM: [checking pager] Can we get a move on? The team's found four more interns that I need
to interview.
CC: Sam, can you tell me why we're spending so much money to find out if the president had
an affair? Who cares?
SAM: Well, Hillary does, I'm sure.
CC: Yes, but wouldn't it be cheaper to advise her to use the Loreena Bobbit director's cut
of the movie Free Willy?
SAM: But it's not about sex.
CC: It's not? Damn, there go my ratings.
SAM: It's about power. Abuse of power, to be exact.
CC: I dunno. Sounds to me like these affairs have been pretty consensual.
SAM: Consensual? Let's play a game. I'll be the president, you be the intern. I say: Hi
cutie, I want to have sex with you.
CC: But you're twice my age and a married man!
SAM: Don't let that influence your decision. Or the fact that I'm your boss, the
President, the Commander-In-Chief and that I have access to the FBI and CIA, and I know
what you did in the summer of 93.
CC: Ahahaha. Your place or mine?
SAM: Bingo.
CC: Okay, okay, so he exercised poor judgement in that case. But surely we can forgive him
that?
SAM: That, plus allegations surrounding Whitewater, Chinese contributions to the
Democratic party, drugs, using police to obtain women, never mind Gennifer Flowers and
Paula Jones. This administration has given whole new meaning to the terms Lincoln Bedroom,
Oval Office and Chief of Staff.
CC: [desperately] Yes, but, but the economy is doing so well!
SAM: Two words - Allan Greenspan. Besides, if this is all so forgivable and okay, why do I
hear that sound whenever news about Clinton comes on TV?
CC: What sound?
SAM: The sound of hundreds of parent's hands clapping over their kids eyes and ears. Heck,
the media can't even report this story without fidgeting.
CC: [huffy] I am a jaded, cynical reporter. I can handle anything.
SAM: Oh yeah? What's on Monica Lewinsky's dress?
CC: A stain. DNA. A substance.
SAM: See? You can't even say the word! Even legal terms like subpoena and pro bonoare
beginning to sound indelicate. And anyway, most of the media is biased.
CC: Aha! You mean it's a left-wing Democratic coverup! I knew it!
SAM: No, no, no. Not politically biased, generationally biased. Clinton's one of us, dude!
Free love, pot-smoking, draft-dodging and saxophone playing. Forever young, man! He might
have to jog to get rid of his middle-aged spread, but hey, isn't kinda cool he's also into
that other kind of jogging? He's one of the Two Plus Two generation!
CC: Come again?
SAM: The generation that always hopes that just this once, two plus two will not equal
four! We played 'truth or dare' as kids, not 'truth and consequences.' Just look at our
movies.
CC: This isn't another Free Willy crack is it?
SAM: No, and I'll even spare you the one about sex and aides. But think back to the
definitive movie of the 1940's: Casablanca. A man gives up the love of his life to protect
her marriage, the Resistance and to carry on the fight for freedom. The definitive 90's
movie? Indecent Proposal. A man pays $1 million to sleep with another man's wife, and
surprise! It busts up the relationship, causes bitterness, betrayal of trust, cynicism and
pain.
CC: Ouch. That's pretty harsh, isn't it?
SAM: Yep. Kinda like finding out Peter Pan knocked up Wendy. We don't want to hear it.
CC: I notice we're back to sex again.
SAM: Hey, you complained about the ratings. Anyway, what did they say at that convention
years ago? 'You can't be one kind of man, and another kind of president.'
CC: You sound like a closet Republican.
SAM: Actually, Republicans really don't like to be associated with closets. Look, I should
go.
CC: Ah yes, the interns. Will you inform the President of your latest investigations?
SAM: Probably not.
CC: Why?
SAM: He's been debriefed enough already, don't you think?
CC: [Groan.] And I thought it was boxers.
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few
things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he
ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front
of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel
uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for
you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It
would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new
practice. He had a new sign painted and hung in front of his office, proclaiming his
specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it.
The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign, "Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come
up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople.
So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign, "Odds & Ends."
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the
farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from
the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster
sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying
to replace me," thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you
really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.
I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that
hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to
have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a
match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I
know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win
easy."
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering
around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After
the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the
old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth
lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun,
and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he
gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster
still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the
young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've
bought this month."
A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks,
the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do?
There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo
administrators noticed Burl, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Now Burl was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very
bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might entice Burl to satisfy the female
gorilla.
They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500?
Burl: I might be interested. Let me think it over.
He entered the zoo administrators' office the following day.
Burl: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions:
1st, I don't want to have to kiss her.
2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result.
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but inquired about the 3rd
condition?
Burl: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.
Timmy stood up and said,
"My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said,
"My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said,
"My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling
little Johnny's father that evening.
When she told him what little Johnny had said, he told her, "Actually,....I'm a
corporate attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a seven year old???"
Somewhere in America this week the following conversation is taking
place:
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?
D- There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
S- I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I
can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
D- Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, And no one else has
driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
S- Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is
true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
D- But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at
the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car,
and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
S- Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I
understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement,
that I did not scratch the car.
D- Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the
steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was
clearly not my intent.
D- So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
S- No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I
did not scratch the car.
D- But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this
contact?
S- Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
D- So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
S- No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". From
a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch
the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my
answer of No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct,
although I did not volunteer information.
D- Son, you are such a slick talker you're either gonna wind up as a lawyer or
President....
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who
signed the Declaration of Independence?"
He said, "Damn if I know."
She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his
father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.
She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll
ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said,
"Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"
Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening
one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. "Where's
George?" one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone.
"He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I
figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."
THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATHS PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME____________________
GANG NAME_______________
1. Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10
shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little
Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to
Juan for $85 per gram,what is the street value of therest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 whores. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each
ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to Make 20% profit. How
many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If
he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to
have $900?
6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife
spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus:
how much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3
square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with
20% paint free?
8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the
exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats
per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks
can he feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357
Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he
gets whacked?
The following are actual newspaper headlines from around the
country:
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands LMAO
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Man Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Heads thrown out of meeting
Drug Pusher 'Dealt Heavy Blow' Say Police
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a
clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was
backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess,
let him get himself out of it."
Two men waiting at the pearly gates who struck up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death,"
says the second." It's awful,. you get the shakes and you get pains in all your
fingers and toes. Eventually, it's very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift
off, as if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home
unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting I ran down to the
basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one
was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I
had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asked the first man
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family
trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for
a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the
newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of
sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy
to the ol' man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your
seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a
chat. "How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard.
"I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.
Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one
night"!