Bad Jokes 17 : Bad Jokes

During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed border-guard.

"Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?" asked the guard.

"To visit my mother, Sir."

"Step inside. You will be searched" ordered the guard.

The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the guard remained suspicious.

This routine was repeated every day for several years but the border guard, still convinced that the man was a smuggler, could find nothing.

Eventually, with the end of the Cold War, the border was opened and the young man would occasionally stop in a tavern on the Yugoslav side.

One afternoon, as he sat at the bar, the old border-guard came over and sat down beside him.

"The War is over now", said the guard "and I am retired, but I still have nightmares about you. You really were a smuggler, weren"t you."

"Yes, of course" replied the young man.

"Well, for God's sake, what were you smuggling?"

The young man swallowed a mouthful of beer and smiled. "Bicycles" he replied.

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isnt so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight?  He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more.  None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small  ad which read:

          Lose weight
          Only $1.00 a pound
          Call (202) 208-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number.  A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to  which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.'  The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There  stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house for over an hour. Finally, panting  and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her.  When he was through enjoying himself, she said, 'Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'.  He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, 'Twenty pounds.'.   'Very well', the voice on the phone told him, 'Give me your credit  card number and we'll have a representative over to your  house in the morning.'

   At about  8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on  the door.  When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating 'If you  catch me, you can have me'.  The chase took a good while longer this time  and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her.  When he was through she told him, 'Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

'This is fantastic!', he thought to himself. Later that evening he  called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?'. 'Fifty pounds!', the man exclaimed. 'Fifty pounds?', the voice asked. 'That's an awful lot  of weight to lose at one time.'  The man replied, 'Listen buddy,  here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!', and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.  When he opens the door, he sees this huge gorilla with massive arms and a sign around his neck stating,

'If I catch you...... You're screwed.

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over  by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window  with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the  trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,  you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls  his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the   nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"

Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?"

Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."

Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?"

Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost
500."

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I/m still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."

Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"

Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."

And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?" He replies: " I get my caddie to stand in the middle  of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie
moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt?" says Nicklaus.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to  the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

Stevie says: "Well, I play off scratch."

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that - when would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

Did you know Monica has a hearing problem?
All Bill really said was, "hold my calls and sack the cook.

What was Monica's favourite childhood game?
Swallow the Leader

What's Monica going to title her memoirs?
"How to succeed in the Oval Office without really trying!"

When asked about Monica's best feature the President replied,
"She's got the whitest teeth I've ever come across!

Where did Monica get that dress anyway? Bill was looking for her
birthday gift and the dress was the first thing he come across!

When asked how the president holds his liquor, Monica replied "by the
ears"!

What 'help wanted' ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!

There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.
It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.

Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
She's withholding evidence.

What do the Nixon and Clinton administrations have in common?
A crooked Dick in the Oval Office.

What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton desperately wants?
A dead girl friend.

Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.

Today, the White House released the following statement:
"All President Clinton did was to offer Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky jobs. There is no hard evidence of any wrong doing and it will never stand up in court. The thing has been blown out of all proportion and the sooner we can straighten it out, the better."

Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup"
His nickname for Monica? "My little suctioncup"

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Ted Kennedy get sucked up in a tornado and land in Oz.
Al says, "I'm off to see the Wizard to get a new brain."
Ted says, "I'm going to get a heart."
Bill says, "Where's Dorothy?"

A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex.

It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the daysthat started with "T": Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.

But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one.

After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in
conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

From one of Tom Clancy's books:
Commanding officer:  "Alright! How about an attitude check???"
Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"

CO: "Now, let's be more positive..."
Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"

CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..."
Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"

CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?"
Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"

COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING - (the author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):

"Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the
time. It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still  manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet
seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!!!"

Quiz O'the day : Presidents

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude woman while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?

2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?

3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?

4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?

5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?

6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband -- and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign?

7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?

8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?

9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?

10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)?

11. Which vice-president was pissed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's?

12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")?

BONUS QUESTION: Before he became president, what was John F. Kennedy's nickname in Palm Beach? a. Jack Rabbit b. Jumper Jack c. Mattress Jack

ANSWERS:
1. John F. Kennedy
2. Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt
9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson

BONUS QUESTION: c.

Uhm ... "DOH!" ?
German Adam Gotz, 30, claimed he was a "spiritual psychiatrist" and said the Pyramids in Giza, Egypt, provided spiritual energy that enabled believers to "transcend humanity". That energy would allow people to be "free from death", he told his girlfriend Sarah, traveling with him from Germany. Later, after climbing to the top of the 617 feet tall Cairo Tower, Gotz told Sarah he would prove what he was telling her was true: he jumped off. He was killed on impact.

Warning: Belief in strange ideas does not guarantee that strange ideas will believe in you.

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He told them: "I need three important people to send my message to the world and I have chosen you, tommorow the earth will be destroyed "

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: "I have two really bad news item for you:
1) God really exists and
2) Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."

Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: "I have good news and bad news:
1) The GOOD news is that God really does exist
2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth."


Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced: "I have two fantastic announcements:
1) I am one of the three most important people on earth
2) The Year 2000 problem is solved."

Here's a remake of the song "Summer Lovin" from Grease.

Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, love those summer nights"

Investigation Committee: "Oh Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah..... UH.... Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip: "try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?"

Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica: "The prez is sexy - and makes my panties damp"
Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House"
Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:

Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip: "he sounds like a swell guy"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he tell you to lie?"

Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"
Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow"
Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now"
Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams,
But.........oh, Those White House Nights"

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?". "Yes.", whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?", the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?". "Yes.", came the answer. "May I talk with her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?". "No, he's busy.", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?". "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"They're looking for me!"

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "THIS IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!!!!!!!! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"

So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...

The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it.

"DID THAT HURT?" he yells.

"No, Sir!" came the reply.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

A farm girl was studying the menu in the restaurant. She asked  her date, "What's filet mignon?"

Thinking fast, the date replied, "Why, it's year-old pickled goat's liver, why?"

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think  Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

ere are a few card ideas that were rejected by Hallmark -

1. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I got one...
I got real snippy.

2. I heard you had herpes...
and I feel terrible...
I'd say "Get well soon"...
but I know it's incurable.

3. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I found your cat...
Sorry!

4. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

5. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
Don't fret about your wife though...
She's moving in with me.

7. Your computer is dead...
and it was so alive...
you shouldn't have installed...
Win'95.

8. You totalled your car...
and can't remember why...
maybe it was...
that case of Bud Dry

9. So you lost your job...
It's one of those hardships in life...
Next time, work harder... and
and stay away from the boss's wife.

MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN

"LOTTERIES MAKE US DREAM BIG"

The American dream sure has changed.

The dream used to be to make a decent living, buy a house and raise a few loving children to be good citizens and mow the lawn.

The new dream is far more appealing: win millions of dollars in the lottery, tell your boss exactly what to do with your job, and spend the rest of your life shopping.

Which man hasn't dreamed of owning a fleet of Ferraris, a wardrobe of Armanis and a lifetime supply of Rogaine? Which woman hasn't dreamed of visiting several malls in one day and buying them all?

The government has helped foster these dreams, sponsoring a number of lotteries and somehow fooling us that buying tickets is a wise investment. Truth is, it would be wiser to invest in prune juice, hoping it will one day be as popular as beer.

In most states, lotteries are one of the few legal forms of gambling, an easy way for governments to tax people, even the poor, who cling to the hope that they are buying a ticket to Bill Gates' world -- or at least his village. Many buy hundreds of tickets, playing various combinations and increasing their chances of going bankrupt.

The recent $295 million jackpot in the Powerball lottery, sponsored by 20 states and the District of Columbia, created more excitement around the country than a celebrity divorce. Millions of people rushed to stores to buy tickets. If only we could get that kind of turnout for elections. Perhaps we should allow voters to pick candidates, as well as numbers. So many people would vote, the next president might actually get a majority.

I could laugh at all the people who drove several hours to neighboring states to buy Powerball tickets. I could laugh at those who stood in line for hours. I could laugh at those who ended up with worthless pieces of paper. But I don't like laughing at crazy people, especially when I happen to be one of them. Sort of.

One of my work mates offered to drive to West Virginia to buy tickets for everyone in the office. And I decided to give her $5 for five chances at instant retirement. I didn't want to be the only loser in the office, the only person who had to work for a living.

I knew the odds of winning were steep, about one in 80 million, equal to the odds of:

---Mike Tyson being asked to host the next Miss America contest.

---Monica Lewinsky refusing to write a tell-all book.

---Robert Downey Jr. being appointed as the country's drug czar.

---Richard Simmons writing a best-selling book called "How to Gain Weight and Stay Fat."

---Howard Stern talking for an hour without mentioning sex.

But despite the odds, the jackpot was too enticing for me, because I knew someone was going to win it. And chances are, whoever won it wouldn't share it with me. Even if I begged them.

Despite the odds, millions of people couldn't help dreaming about what they'd do with the money. Some dreamed about all the things they'd buy. Others dreamed about all the people they'd help. It's so easy to be generous in your dreams.

Despite the odds, the American dream lives on. Until thenext jackpot.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realisies he is lost. He reduces his height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: " Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology", says the balloonist. "I do", replies the man, "How do you know?". "Well" says the balloonist,  "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says "you must work in business." "I do", replies the balloonist, "but how do you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where your going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."