A:\BadJokes\bj015.htm

Bad Jokes 16 : Bad Jokes or Bust

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example.The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual Leadership". He received a £26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a £127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

And for the Main Course...
A man in Taormina, Italy, was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

Working Hard for the Money
The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...

Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.Hmmm... wonder what he uses for a knife?

Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton?
A:Monica swallowed the evidence

Q:What's Bill's favourite garden tool?
A Blower.

Q:Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver?
A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.

When asked why Monica quit her JOB at the White House she replied: "I blew it"

Have you heard the new meaning for the word "B.I.T.C.H."? Bill's In Trouble, Call Hillary...

The White House scandal wasn't really Bill's fault, it was just something he got sucked into

Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.

Hillary wants a new Chief of Staff. No one has the job yet, but she hopes to interview Lorena Bobbitt soon.

Hillary found out she was pregnant. She was so infuriated that she went straight to the nearest phone and called the Oval Office. When Bill answered, Hillary said, "You rotten jerk, you got me pregnant!" There was silence on the other end of the line, which infuriated Hillary even further. "You rotten jerk", she screamed. "You got me pregnant!!"

Bill replied, "Uh...who is this?"

From Jay Leno:
What do O.J. and Monica have in common?
1) They're both in a scandal.
2) They both have aching knees.
3) They both have unexplainable stains on their clothing.

What does Bill tell Hillary after sex? --Nothing, she hears about it on the evening news!

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"President Bill Clinton"
"President Bill Clinton who?"
"That's right Monica. NOW you can give your testimony."

What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.

If Monica was a bird, what kind would she be? --A swallow.

What does James Bond Have that Bill Clinton can only ENVY? --A LOT of dead Girlfriends!!!!!!

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

Their was alot of bodily force being accreted as to whom would be the best person to be in control of the body.

"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".
"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole!!.

The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials, and in certain cases, the responses Given by insightful witnesses:

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 pm."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Q: "You were shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did your check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere."

1."Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which was sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But","The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."

These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins.

1.Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2.Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5.The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6.This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7.Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8.Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9.Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11.The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12.Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16.The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
17.Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
18.During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
19.The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
20.The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
21.The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.

"Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."

Similarities between Nixon and Clinton

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore

Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: same

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"

N?xon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class".

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane . . .

A true story from a CAA trade paper. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F * * * YOU."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

More help on understanding the opposite sex

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer

Dakota Indian tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a colloquial dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern organizations, we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

- buying a stronger whip
- changing riders
- saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"
- appointing a committee to the study the horse
- arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses
- increasing the standards to ride dead horses
- appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horses
- creating a training session to increase our riding ability
- comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment
- passing a resolution declaring: "This horse is not dead"
- blaming the horses' ancestry
- harnessing several dead horses for increased speed
- declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat"
- providing addtional funding to increase the horse's performance
- do a study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper
- declare the horse is better, faster and cheaper dead
- form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses
- revisit the performance requirements for dead horses
- say that this horse was procured with cost as the independent variable
- promote the dead horse to a suprvisory position

the unemployment rate has been really high and a lot of farm workers are on the dole. one day, a young man comes up to a farmer and asks him for work. the farmer asks him what he's done before and if he knows his way around with farming. but the young man replies that he hasn't got a clue.'so, why are you asking me for work then? you can't do anything?' 'well, actually, i can talk with animals. i am really good at that.'the farmer grins and thinks to himself that this young chap must be really strange and wants to send him away, but the man begs him to give him a chance. so the farmer takes the young man into the pig sty and tells him to show him what he can do.
so the young man grunts at the pigs and the pigs grunt back at him. then he turns to the farmer and says: 'your pigs are pretty happy at the whole, but they say that the food you give them is totally disgusting, they can't eat it, because it's not good any more.'the farmer looks at the feed and sees that it's all green and mushy and that the young man is right. but, of course, the young man could have seen all of this and this doesn't persuade the farmer. so he takes the young man to his horse.the man starts neighing and the horse replies. then the man turns to the farmer and says: 'your horse tells me that he's quite happy as well, but that there is something in it's front hoof that it finds very disturbing.'
so the farmer takes the hoof, and - as a matter of fact - there is a small obstrusive object in the hoof. the farmer shudders and rushes off across the field to his flock of sheep, and takes one of them aside:' whatever you do, don't tell him anything about us. you know, it's been two years ago, my wife was on a holiday and it was a case of emergency...'

seamus is standing on the hill overlooking the countryside talking to a foreigner. he tells him: 'i built all the houses over there, took me a long time, but i did, all of them. but do the people call me seamus the housebuilder? do they? no. and i've been working on all those fields, all the hard work i did, took me a while, but do the people call me seamus the farmer? do they? no. just shag one sheep...'

From New Scientist

The US forest Service provides comment cards at access points to Wilderness Areas. Here are some of the "Actual Comments"

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there any way I can get reimbursed? Please Call"

"Escalators would help on the steep uphill sections"

"Instead of a permit system or regulations the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to thewildernesses."

"There are too many rocks in the mountains"

"Trails need to be wider so that people can walk while holding hands"

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiders webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests"

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals"

"A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead"

The new British £2 coin features nineteen interlocking cogwheels in the design on it's reverse. According to the Royal Mint, this logo symbolises "The development of technology from the Iron Age to the Internet" We sincerely hope that this is not the case as any ring with an odd number of interlocking wheels will immediately sieze when one of them begins to turn. Coming on top of the news that the middle to the £2 coin is prone to falling out we begin to think that the Royal Mint should have stuck to the Iron Age.