Bad Jokes 15 : This time it's war

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes, "Dons fan saves friend from vicious animal."
The boy interrupts: "But I'm not an Dons fan."
The reporter starts again: "Cove fan saves friend from horrific attack."
The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a Cove fan either."
The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?"
"Rangers" replies the boy.
So the reporter starts again: "Hun bastard kills family pet"

Teacher asks the class to use the word contagious.
First kid stands up and says "last year I got the measles and mum said
It was very contagious. "
Next kid gets up and says " Nan says there is a flu going round and itis contagious"
And of course little Johnny has to put his two cents worth in "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush and my dad
says it will take the contagious."

Business man X takes his seat on a plane and waits patiently for his beverage. After a wait, stewardess appears and offers drinks. 'Coffee please,' asks the man. 'I'll have a goddam whisky you slapper!' says the parrot sitting next to him. The stewardess scurries off and re-appears with the whisky but no coffee. The parrot slams down the whisky in one. 'Excuse me' says the man, 'you forgot my coffee.' 'And get me another on one these you slack arsed bitch!' says the parrot. Stewardess re-appears with the whisky but again, no coffee. 'Well,' the man thinks to himself, 'the parrots getting results'. 'Go get me a coffee you pathetic excuse for an atendant!'

The stewardess by this time has had more than enough and throws them both out of the plane.

As the wind whistles past their ears the parrot turns to the man and says 'you know, for somebody that can't fly, you're a cheeky bastard!!!'

· What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

· What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

· What is the difference between O.J. and the Lion King?
One is a lyin' African the other is an African lion.

· How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

· What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorass

· How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One…..Men will screw anything

· What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with the other is used to carry groceries.

· What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

· What does Popeye do to keep his favourite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

· Why did the blonde girl snort NutraSweet?
She thought it was diet coke.

· What do you do when a blonde girl throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

· What do blonde girls and a computers have in common?
Both are always going down on you.

· What does a smart blonde girl and a UFO have in common?
You hear about them, but you never actually see one.

· What did the blonde girl say when asked if she had been picked up by the fuzz?
No...but I have been swung around by the tits.

· Why should blonde girls not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them

· What did the blonde girl say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
Oh look! Doughnut seeds!

· What do you call an blonde girl dyed brunette?
Artificial intelligence

· What do you call a skeleton in a closet?
The 1983 blonde girl Hide and Seek Champion.

· What does a Peterhead girl put behind her ears to attract men?
Her legs.

Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking. The young trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Charlie Harris been hanging out ? I haven't seen him for a while."

The Senior Exec replied "Haven't you heard ? Charlie went to that great agency in the sky."

"Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What did he have?"

"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec, "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."

"Gray Hair"

A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.

Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!"

"The 50th Anniversary"

An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude.
The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"

To which he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"

Modern World Religions
ATHEISM: Shit happens
HARE KRISNA: Shit happens, Rama Dama Ding Dong
HINDUISM: This shit happened before
ISLAM: If shit happens, take a hostage
ZEN: What is the sound of shit happening?
BUDDHISM: When shit happens, is it really shit?
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says: "Shit happens!"
7th DAY ADVENTISM: Shit happens on Saturdays
PROTESTANTISM: Shit won't happen if I work harder
CATHOLISM: If shit happens, I deserve it
JEHOVAS WITNESS: Knock, knock; shit happens!
UNITARIAN: What is this shit?
JUDAISM: Why does this shit always happen to me?
MORMOR: Shit happens again and again and again...
RASTAFARIAN: Let's smoke this shit!

This is an actual essay written by a university applicant. The author now attends Southampton University.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR UNIVERSITY TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration I run the 100m in 9.65 secs. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegtables and a Breville Toaster. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to University.

Seamus is standing on the hill overlooking the countryside talking to a foreigner. he tells him: 'i built all the houses over there, took me a long time, but i did,  all of them. but do the people call me seamus the housebuilder? do they? no.   and i've been working on all those fields, all the hard work i did,  took me a while, but do the people call me seamus the farmer? do  they? no. just shag one sheep...'

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged,   well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next  to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the  attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class".

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess  continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane . . .

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it." said one.
"She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs.

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend your time with a wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed spending time with his mistress, because of the passion and the mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah," said the engineer. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other, and you can go the lab and get some work done.

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for £50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark £1
Knowing where to put it £49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?"asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"

The first engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question
each one on the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately  to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old  ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweilerfemale dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A monkey is walking through the jungle when he comes across an elephant.

"Hello, Mr. Elephant", he says, "what a fine day it is. Would you like to see my cock?"

Slightly startled the elephant says, "Good morning Mr Monkey. Why on earth would I want to see your genitalia?"

"Oh, it's absolutely amazing," came the reply, "you won't regret this."

And with that the monkey whips out his member which, as promised, amazed the elephant. There were FOUR tips to this particular monkey's monkeyhood.

"My word!" said the elephant, "aren't you the lucky one."

The monkey continued his jaunt through the jungle when he happens upon a giraffe.

"Hello up there Mr Giraffe. Let me show you my cock!"

Spluttering out the leaf he was munching the giraffe protests but he is equally as stunned as the elephant when he sees the monkeys four-headed knob.

"Incredible!" he states.

And off trots the monkey until he encounters a jaguar asleep under a tree.

"Mr Jaguar! Mr Jaguar! Look at my extraordinary penis!" Stirring from his sleep the jaguar wakes to find the mutant cock before his eyes, which he promptly bites off.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH", screams the monkey,

"What did you do that for?"

"Because I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar"

Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his car when he sees his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below.

Bruce slams on the brakes & shouts "G'day Sheila! What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye & says "G'day Bruce - You got me pregnant & so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this & says "Sheila, not only are you a great lay, but you're a real sport too".

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place. The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story.
"Witch,my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it.
The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement,
scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest.
In the pond you will see afrog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, 'will you marry me?' Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis willbe 4 inches shorter.
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log.he uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO."The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter! "WOW!" he
screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great!"
But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again.Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter!The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!"He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long,So he reflected for a moment. "Twelve inches is still amonster, just a little lesswould be ideal," he thought."So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time."Grinning, he looked across the pond
and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said,"NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!"

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now.  You've been relieved".

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.

POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked,

"What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

A man and his wife are visiting Mexico and go to the local restaurant for dinner. They can't seen to decide on what to have so they spend a lot of   time looking over the menu. While they are looking, they hear a trumpet fanfare, and out of the kitchen comes the cook with a big platter. He is accompanied by two or three waiters and with much ceremony, they place the platter on the next table and uncover it to reveal two rather large rounded pieces of meat surrounded by vegetables and lots of garnish.

The man and wife ask their waiter what that was all about and the waiter explains that the next table was just served the house specialty--the testicles of the bull from the day's bullfight. The man and his wife ask for the same dish and the waiter explains that there is only one bullfight per day so they can't have that dish tonight, however, they could be the persons of honor tomorrow night and that makes the couple happy.

They return the next day and await the feast. There is the trumpet fanfare, and the big procession and all the hoop-de-do and they set the platter down and uncover it only to reveal two rather small morsels. When the man asks the waiter, " what gives--yesterday's were so much larger?" To which the waiter replies, "Well senor, you must understand, some days the bull wins."

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug called "Viagra" that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens: the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex   was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle of "Viagra". The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a young boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the doctor who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my Butt hurts, and Dad's sitting in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

How Specifications Live Forever

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long-distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long-distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Because the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right.

Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."

The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"