Bad Jokes 14 : The Barmizva

Womens English

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

Mens English:

'I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

"Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German and it's all organized by the Italians."

A rancher was out checking farm fences in his four-wheel drive when he hit a pig. He radioed the ranch for advice. "The pig is stuck in the bullbars and still alive but kicking and squealing so much I can't get it free" he said.

"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 4x4 there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush."

About 45 minutes later the rancher called in again: " I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, it went all limp and I got it out of the bullbars, no problem. But i still can't go on." "Why not?"
Asked the boss. "What's the problem?"

"Well it's his motorbike...the blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel'".

Judi and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

Judi: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camel for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the
husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Product launch - contraceptive98

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee and TitElation.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time it is used.

CONCLUSION

Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

A top movie producer was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers with several top stars. Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme were present. The producers really desired the box office 'oomph' of these three, so they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, "I'll play him."

The producers were pleased. "Sounds splendid. But, who do you want to be, Arnold?"

(Wait for it......)

"I'll be Bach."

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

When the last scene of Titanic faded to black and people began rushing for the exits, one patron shouted: "Quick! There are only enough cars in the parking lot for half of us!"

Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:

"This really works!

Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems.

If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"

Picture this..........

Hotel room... Jim Morrisson in one corner with the rest of his band - in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked. Gillian Taylforth walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrisson and begins to play the pink oboe. She swallows nicely then starts on his guitarist, then his drummer and finally the keyboard player. When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him. At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts "Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

Computer Terminology

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

A man was being interviewed for a job.

"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 inches over here you would love to have."

The female response was: "Well, spit it out it isn't yours."

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well- endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we
just make his legs longer?"

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl."

"You got a last name, Earl?"

"Nope. It's a long story, Officer."

"I got time."

Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl."

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

A hunter was in a tree with his gun & sees a bear coming down the path. He takes careful aim & fires. Smoke clears and he pears down the path. No bear! The hunter feels a tap on his shoulder; looks behind him & sees the bear. "Were you trying to kill me?", the bear growls. "No,no, of course not!". " I don't believe you", responded the bear. He then screws the hell out of him.

The next day the hunter brings his AR-15 revolver. He climbed up the same tree & waited. The bear appears & he lets a dozen rounds fly. The smoke clearsno bear! TAP,TAP. " Just target shooting?", says the bear. "Uh,  Well", the hunter replied. Without waiting another second the bear throws him over a log and screws the hell out of him.

The next day the hunter brings a semi-automatic rifle; climbs into a tree and waits. The bear arrives and he lets it rip. Smoke clears;no bear. TAP, TAP. The hunter looks around. The bear says, " You really aren't here for the hunting are you?".

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch me some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a bunch of long reeds with something fuzzy on the ends. Old man says
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "Pussy willows."
Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one
of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Excerpted from "Uneducation for Democracy" by Mark Steyn in Spectator (British pub):

AMERICA spends more per pupil on education than any other major industrial democracy. And that's not just because the weekly schoolyard massacres are doing such a great job keeping classroom sizes down. No, these figures come from the start of term: for example, US primary schools spend $5,300 per pupil, compared with an average for member nations of the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development of $3,033.
So what does America get in return for this investment in the future? Well, to put it in a nutshell, American students are now statistically the dumbest in the industrial world. According to the most recent surveys, they're just about holding their own with Cyprus. For those Spectator readers who are American college graduates, Cyprus is a small island in the Mediterranean, population 745,000, principal crops grain, grapes, carobs, citrus fruits, olives. On the other hand, America's economy is the strongest in the world, the Dow Jones index has blasted through the 9000 barrier and unemployment is, to all intents and purposes, statistically irrelevant. In my own part of the country, where there's no industry except logging, dairy farming and a couple of hospitals, it's down to 1.8 per cent. Allowing for the statistical margin of error, this means DeeDee has quit her job at the feed store and is taking a couple of weeks off before starting at the hair salon. So America's getting richer. And the richer it gets, the more it can spend on education. And the more it spends on education, the dumber it gets. And the dumber it gets, the richer it gets. Ignorance has never been such bliss. On present projections, at some point around the year 2020 American teachers will be earning a million per annum, American college students will be unable to count their toes and the Dow will be on the moon. This rosy prognosis was confirmed by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts' very first basic reading-and-writing test -- not for pupils, but for teachers. The legislature passed a bill mandating "standardised examination" for teachers in 1985, but, with the insouciance for which the educational establishment is renowned, somehow it took 13 years for the first test to be administered. Educators were asked to define what a noun is and spell words like "imminent". When the results came in, 59 per cent had failed. Confronted by this unnerving figure, the Massachusetts Board of Education reached an immediate decision: they lowered the bar. Instead of accepting C as a passing grade, the board voted to accept D. That meant that -- hey presto! -- suddenly only 44 per cent had failed. Board members said they'd voted to lower the threshold partly to prevent lawsuits from the failures for loss of self-esteem, etc.: as Shaw said, he who can, does; he who cannot, sues. Despite the sterling example of Massachusetts' teachers, President Clinton is urging us not to be complacent. He's not satisfied with the American education system. He thinks every child should be able to go to college. As things stand, only 24 per cent of Americans are university graduates, most of them, in my experience, being Doctors of Conflict Resolution Studies and Bachelors of Queer Theory. Nonetheless, America already has, per capita, two-and-a-half times as many university graduates as France, Germany, Britain and Spain. Its college population is twice the size of its high-school population, mainly due to the fact that academic courses such as "Towards a Feminist Algebra" are so rigorous that to complete a bachelor's degree now takes on average 6.29
years.

The following is apparently an actual transcript of part of a writers meeting for Armageddon:

Begin transcript:
***
WRITER A
And so then the Mir spacestation blows up while the shuttles are right beside it!

WRITER B
So everyone is killed?

WRITER A
No no... they're all right. So then they start the loop around the moon, and

WRITER B
Doesn't getting to the moon take days?

WRITER A
Well these are hot-rod space shuttles. Anyway they both fire up their engines and start flying over the surface... the radio silence increases the tension even more! They start pulling like 12 Gs... and

WRITER B
Isn't 8 G's about the most an experienced pilot can withstand before blacking out?

WRITER A
Well, 12 Gs sounds way more intense! Also the speedometer on the shuttle goes like up to 20,000 mph!

WRITER B
The space shuttle has a speedometer?

WRITER A
Well this one does... you know it's a high-tech digital readout. So anyway, they come around the moon and like everyone is totally relieved that they made it, and they see the asteroid! It's like a vision of hell... wispy gas surrounding this awesomely evil spiked rock! They start towards it and they turn on their radar avoidance manoeuvring jets, because the thing is surrounded by thousands of volkswagen sized jagged meteors swirling around in a hellish maelstrom.

WRITER B
So these are pretty maneoverable shuttles.

WRITER A
Well ya, it's a secret prototype. Anyway the meteor storm gets worse and then it's like 10 times worse that the asteroid field in Star Wars!

WRITER B
So they're all killed?

WRITER A
No no, one of the shuttles lands OK, but it misses its target area because of the meteors. The other shuttle is torn to shreds by the storm of jagged rocks and crashes on the meteor.

WRITER B
So those guys are killed.

WRITER A
Well, there are three survivers who dust themselves off. And the drilling rover is OK. They are protected by the cargo bay.

WRITER B
Have you ever seen news footage of when a plane slams into the side of a mountain? There often aren't many pieces left bigger than a seat cushion.

WRITER A
Look, I don't think you're being constructive here! Anyway the three guys are OK and so they take the rover and drive it through the side of the cargo bay!

WRITER B
They just drive it through the side like it was nothing? This is the cargo bay that protected them?

WRITER A
Oh wait... ya! They take a gatling gun and tear the hell out of the side of the shuttle first!! It's a maelstrom of lead!

WRITER B
What?! What the hell are they doing with a gatling gun?

STUDIO EXEC
Audiences love serious firepower.

WRITER B
They brought along a gatling gun? Are you out of your fucking mind?

STUDIO EXEC
Look, we need team players here. Why don't you take the rest of the  week off and, uh, I'll give you a call next Monday.

****
End transcript.

So, this guy is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology", says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone!"

The man below says, "You must be a manager!"

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. And, you're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault!"

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"