Bad Jokes 13 : Unlucky for some Bad Jokes
What's a man's idea of helping with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
How are men and a parking spaces a lot alike?
The good ones are always taken and the rest are "handicapped."
What's the difference between E.T. and a man?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are Psycho analysis a lot quicker for men than women?
When it's time to go back to one's childhood, the men are already there.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; we clean/ they dirty; we iron/ they wrinkle
What's the best way to get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote between his toes.
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking their stomachs in everytime they see a bikini.
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost atleast the women will ask for directions.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show then how to work it.
Why do black widows kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crisis?
They stay stuck in adolescene.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different than being at a circus?
At the circus clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half of the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact.
Breasts don't have eyes.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What do men of 35 think of?
Dating children
Why does it take a hundred million sperm to fertilize one egg?
No one will stop and ask for directions.
;How do you know if a man likes you?
He screws you two nights in a row.
What do men do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.
Why do men get confused in the bathroom?
They have to pull down their own underwear.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a man?
The lightbulb is smarter, but the man is easier to turn on.
What disease paralyzes men below the waist?
Marriage.
Why did God give men bigger brains then dogs?
So he wouldn't hump your leg in public.
Why do men find it difficult to get married?
You dont' have to marry them to have sex with them.
Why don't men talk during sex?
Their mothers taught them not to talk to strangers.
Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some
administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to Heaven and the Pope gets sent to Hell. The
Pope explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check their paperwork, and
the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make
the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the Hell administration bids him
farewell and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and
they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to Heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late
T O A P E N I S
By Robert Burns
Puir wee saft an' flabby penis,
A wheen o' pleasure you hae gien us.
An hour or twa ago, puir thing,
Ye made a lassie's gled hert sing,
For then ye stuck oot firm and prood
An' put Jean Armour in the mood.
She doted on the love ye geid,
An' lost wi' glee her maidenheid.
Her comely thighs, her erse sae braw
Did answer mother nature's ca'.
She squirmit like a trimlin' jelly,
As ye went scuddin' up her belly.
Fu' prood she wis o' hard worked penis:
an' hoo ye jerked sae weel between us;
She lay there, gigglin' wi' pleasure;
Lie doon, and rest - ye've earned yer leisure.
For Ye geid yer a' tae satisfy
The urgent need o' Jean and I.
Still ye did a guid night's work;
Ye did yer duty, didnae shirk.
Noo, wee thing ye look sae sad,
You're just nae use tae Rabbie lad.
Ye're wabbit oot, an' saft as butter -
But hoo ye made Jean Armour splutter.
An' as I slowly puff my pipe
Ye look just like some wrinkled tripe.
Noo ma Bonnie Jean's gang hame
Tae hing her heid in sorry shame.
Ye ken gie weel ye did her wrang -
I kept ye in her far too lang,
An' noo we'll hae tae wait an' see
If Jean will hae a pregnancy.
Oh weel, we a' men, we tak oor chances,
Let's saunter doon tae Poosie Nansy's,
An' when I've had a dram or twa
I'll let ye piss agin' the wa'.
Maybe ye'll pardon my abuses
I realise ye've ither uses.
Yuck......
TAMS MUCKLE TURD.
Intae the wids amongst the trees.
Tam bared his erse, his cheeks to ease.
Nae sinner hud his breeks gan doon.
Than shitty flees were swarming roon.
Intae the wind he bared his baws
and from his erse a big keech faws.
The reek it curled amongst the trees.
'twis enough tae make the birdies sneeze.
An' a' the bees on bended knees,
Got sick a fricht o' Tams big erse.
Big Tam wis in awfy pain.
It came oot his erse like a nine pund wean.
Thur wis a tear faw fi' his eee
For a bigger shite you'd never see.
Big Tams erse wis raw an sair.
Says big Tam I'll shite nae mair.
Yonder it lay amongst the grit.
A dirty stinkin' muckle shit.
Yonder it lay si saft, si fresh.
Nae een, nae teeth, nae bains, nae flesh.
I swear it never drew a breath.
Tams Muckle Turd.
WOOLY RASCAL
Wooly rascal on the Hillside,
Your mutton fills oor bellies,
I love ye, I'll no eat ye,
I'll put your back feet in my wellies.
Big World Employee Training
Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.)
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it
will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High
Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than
anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your
manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers
are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees
who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs
(D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to
Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before
they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are full of
S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add
your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full
of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of
Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any questions, please direct them to
our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about
all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you
do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian
strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter
inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With
each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each
pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting
to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about
you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the
whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
One day, Pinnochio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls
and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinnochio could tell thatsomething was
bothering his girlfriend; being a sensitive guy, he asked her, "What's the
matter, baby?" Pinnochio's girlfriend gave a big sigh,"You're probably the best
lover I've ever had", she said, "but every time we make love you give me
splinters." This remark bothered Pinnochio a great deal, so the next day he went to
seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto. Gepetto searched up and down for a solution.
Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth out"
Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinnochio graciously thanked Gepetto and
went on his way. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades
sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinnochio - and noted that his little
wooden friend was buying every package of sandpaper the store had in stock.
"So," Gepetto remarked, "Pinnochio, things must be going pretty damn good
with the girls, eh?"
"Girls?" said Pinnochio, "Who needs girls?"
A newly married couple returned to their house after being on
honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and have a bop?" the husband asked.
"Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to
do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For
example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing
machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife
who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little
amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing
machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No thanks" said the husband, "It was only a small load and I 've done it
by hand."
An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of
friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her
husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a
crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!
The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his
eyes, the doctor said:
"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!"
I was on a Southwest flight once that was delayed at the gate after everyone boarded. The flight attendant said over the intercom, "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."
Since her return to the UK, Louise Woodward has secured herself a
job at McDonalds.
All children get a free shake
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clue less.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you
could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near
death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he
motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit
of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his
jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same
jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me
a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a
word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.
After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her
go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office,
"But why?" he asked.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise."
"No," she said
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and
pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this before, it's the broom's
bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha
ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do
you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his neighbor,
"Ray, may I borrow your axe?"
"Not today," Ray replied, "I have to make soup."
"What kind of excuse it that?!" demanded Joe.
"Well," confessed Ray, "I admit its a lousy excuse. But, if I don't want to
loan you my axe, one excuse is as good as another."
Dear Bertha,
I lack the bravery and endurance requesite to face you with my feelings, so I am writing
this letter to you in the hopes that you can read it. I remember the first time I saw you.
I don't know if I was attracted to you because of your radiant personality, your sunny
disposition, or your gravitational pull. All I know is that once I got close to you, as
much as I wanted to, I couldn't leave. And I think back to some of the trials and
tribulations in our relationship. Like that time you tried on that thong bikinni you said
you would look terrible in. I'm truely impressd by the bravery it took to even try it in
light of how right you were. And I know it makes you uncomfortable that I sometimes hang
out with your ex, but your cousin and I hardly ever discuss you and when we do, it is
always positive. Every day while I am working in the sewage treatment plant, all I can
think of is you. When I found that ring I gave to you floating through, I knew it must
have been divine intervention that had kept us together so long.
When I talk to my friends about you, they all agree, you're "a whole lot of
woman." I couldn't have said it better myself.
With what I think is probably love,
Bryant B.
A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE University, BECOMING
A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters, you too can be a real man. Please take a
moment to look over the program outline:
FIRST YEAR
Fall Schedule
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You too can do housework
MEN 103 PMT - Learn when to keep your mouth shut
MEN 104 We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas
Winter Schedule
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the female response to getting in at 4 a.m.
MEN 112 Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
MEN 113 Get a life, learn to cook
Spring Schedule
MEN 120 How NOT to act like an asshole when you're wrong
MEN 121 Understanding your incompetence
MEN 122 You, the weaker sex
MEN 123 Reasons to give flowers
SECOND YEAR
Fall Schedule
SEX 101 You CAN fall asleep without it
SEX 102 Morning Delimma: If it's awake, take a shower
MEN 201 How to stay awake after sex
MEN 202 How to put the toilet seat down
Winter Schedule
MEN 210 The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies
MEN 211 How NOT to act younger than your children
MEN 212 You too can be a designated driver
MEN 213 Honest, You don't look like Brad Pitt - Especially naked
Spring Schedule
MEN 220 Omitting @#%*!+ from your vocabulary
MEN 221 Fluffing the blanket after farting is not necessary
MEN 222 Real men ask for directions
MEN 223 Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay
GRADUATION
And Scott Bradley's rebutal to this
On behalf of the dean and the faculty I would like to apologise for the misrepresentation
of the latest addition to our course schedule as presented by Mrs J Lowe. Mrs Lowe has
since been fired from the faculty and her replacement Mr C Pigg will be glad to
answer any questions you have. Please refer to the revised schedule below. As can be seen
the layout of the courses remains the same with each of the unsatisfactory courses being
replaced by an approved course along similar lines.
Mr S Bradley
(Vice Dean)
A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE University, BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's
right, in just six quarters, you too can be a real man. Please take a moment to look over
the program outline:
FIRST YEAR
Fall Schedule
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
Replaced by Understanding why she asks "Do I look fat in this?".
MEN 102 You too can do housework
Replaced by Seduction 101.
MEN 103 PMT - Learn when to keep your mouth shut
Replaced by Body Language 101 (Looking like you are still listening)
MEN 104 We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas
Replaced by but that doesn't rule them out at any other time of year
Winter Schedule
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
Replaced by Making a pair of boxers go for 5 days
MEN 111 Understanding the female response to getting in at 4 a.m.
Replaced by Tai Chi 101 (Walking quietly while pissed)
MEN 112 Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
Replaced by Good Contraception techniques
MEN 113 Get a life, learn to cook
Replaced by Microwave Meals (Hands-On)
Spring Schedule
MEN 120 How NOT to act like an asshole when you're wrong
Replaced by How to never be wrong.
MEN 121 Understanding your incompetence
Replaced by Making other people feel talented by putting yourself down
MEN 122 You, the weaker sex
Replaced by Making her do her fair share of carrying in the shopping bags.
MEN 123 Reasons to give flowers
Replaced by Seduction 121
SECOND YEAR
Fall Schedule
SEX 101 You CAN fall asleep without it
Replaced by Increasing your partners sex drive
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If it's awake, take a shower
Replaced by Better masturbation techniques
MEN 201 How to stay awake after sex
Replaced by How to do it again within 5 minutes
MEN 202 How to put the toilet seat down
Replaced by Bathroom Etiquette. (Keeping your razors for yourself)
Winter Schedule
MEN 210 The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies
Replaced by Training others in the use of complex machinery
MEN 211 How NOT to act younger than your children
Replaced by Practical parenting 101 learning children's communication
skills
MEN 212 You too can be a designated driver
Replaced by Better drivers Women/Men
MEN 213 Honest, You don't look like Brad Pitt - Especially naked
Replaced by Teaching your partner to appreciate your physique
Spring Schedule
MEN 220 Omitting @#%*!+ from your vocabulary
Replaced by Swearing when and where
MEN 221 Fluffing the blanket after farting is not necessary
Replaced by Bodily functions. (Better out than in)
MEN 222 Real men ask for directions
Replaced by Routefinding 101. (A discussion group based course)
MEN 223 Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay
Replaced by Getting sex when you want it
GRADUATION
Hope this clears thing up
Southern Windows 98
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of windows 98 may
have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama.
If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a
Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal
Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys,
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive,
and floppies are them little ole plactic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98
tiperiter...........A word processor
colering book.......a graphics program
addin mershene......calculator
outhouse paper .....notepad
jupe-box ...........CD Player
iner-net............Microsoft Explorer
pichers.............A graphics viewerunting software
IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog............American kennel club records
fishin..............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA.................National Rifle Association
shot gun ...........Remington Arms price list
riffel..............Winchester price list
pisstel.............Smith & Wesson price list
truck...............Ford &Chevrolet dealers in Alabama. by zip code
house...............Nearest Mobile home repair service y zip code
car ................same as truck just need two list in Alabami
cuzzins.............family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records.........usually an empty file
shells..............ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
bud.................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
rasin...............NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV
stations that carry the race
car n truck Parts...nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc ................veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama
edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every
day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the
person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3,
that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest
of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be
a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she
doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says
she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she
says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated
everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation...
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's
actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again
they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight,
competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and
again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for
his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he
tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two
at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment
of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out
what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.
"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and
curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've
been playing off the red tees all week!!"
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they
presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd
just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with
his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet." His plan was to tell
his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was
busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon.
Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"
"Well...yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men's penises?"
Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative;
whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under
his nose, snapped: