Bad Jokes 12 : The Bad Jokes Dozen

Do you feel old ? You will!

Consider this:

The people who are starting college this autumn across the nation were born in 1980.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era. They were prepubescent when the Gulf War started. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. Their world has always included AIDS. Atari and space invaders predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes; they may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never actually saw (or heard) one.

The Compact Disc was released when they were one. Even Worse...... From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 26 pence. Few, if any, have lived without an answering machine. Few have used a TV set without a remote control and they don't know they come in black and white.

They were born the year that Sony brought out the Walkman. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They think the Labour party is cool.

(AND HERE'S THE INTERESTING BIT!!!) You're Probably Aged 25 to 35 If... You wore a Kagool especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist. You remember LeFreak by Chic and Bad Manners' Can-Can. At school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.

You even dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Bruce Springsteen video. You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all (and neither would wearing school uniforms). Bo, Luke and Daisy Duke are fond memories.

There was nothing strange about Eric n' Ernie living together. Knickers and leg warmers were cool. You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

You even wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room. Doctor Who made you hide behind the sofa The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.

You know who shot J.R.

This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me." You owned a pair of rainbow braces just like Mork used to wear and said 'nan noo nan noo'

You remember when Terry Wogan was on TV everyday. You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German. You wished to have Feathered hair Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.

You reckon Wagon wheels used to be bigger. You remember a 'Mans got to chew, what a Mans got to chew' You remember when there was no breakfast tv and when tv shut down at midnight.

The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation are champagne, Camembertcheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People: France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety: In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to he trusted, frankly.

Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture: The French pride themselves 'on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a French family - ha! ha! ha!).

Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors.

France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public holidays: France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would he a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A word of warning: The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests ofAmerican businesses such as MacDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola corporation. In the event that you are the crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.15am and 5.20am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.

Thank you and good luck.

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."

Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Bohemian Rhapsody (in curry major)

Naan-aa, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan-aa, dinner just begun
but now I'm going to crap it all away.
Naan-aa, ooh-ooh
didn't mean to make you cry
seen nothin' yet just see the loo tomorrow, curry on, curry on,
cause nothing really madras.

Too late, my dinners gone
send shivers up my spine
rectum aching all the time
goodbye every bhaji, I've got to go
gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan-aa, ooh-ooh,
This Dopiaza's mild
I sometimes wished we'd never come here at all

I see a little chicken tikka on the side, Rogan josh, Rogan josh, pass the
chutney made of mango,
Vindaloo does nicely
very very spicy
ME!
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani and a naan
(A Vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
HE'S EATEN BALTI, GET HIM TO THE LAVATORY,
STAND YOU WELL BACK 'CAUSE THE
LOO IS QUARANTINED.
here it comes
there it goes
technicolour yawn
I chunder (NO!)
It's coming up again
(there it goes) I chunder
It's coming up again
(there it goes) It's coming up again (up again) coming up again (up again)
Here it comes again
(NO NO NO NO NO NO NO)
I'm on my knees, I'm on my knees, I'm on my knees oh there he goes
This vindaloo
is about to wreck my guts
poor me...poor mee.. ..poor meeeeeeeeeeeee!

So you think you can chunder and it's alright?
so you want to eat curry and drink all night?
ohh maybe,
now you'll puke like a baby
just had to come out
just had to come right out in here....

Korma, Saag or Bhuna,
Balti, Naan, Bhaji.
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference to me.

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

Scottish dialogue during the Brazil v Scotland match.

The actual words below were spoken by the Scottish players during the Brazil v Scotland 1st round match on June 10th 1998. We take up the action in the 3rd minute of the first half...

Leighton: Let's huv a name on this, I don't want tae see the baw here again for at least another 20 seconds.
Lambert: Shit, its coming towards me. Whit the f**k dae ah dae wi' it noo.
Durie: Don't f**kin' pass it here ya donkey, I dinna want it. Gie it to Jackson.
Jackson: Shit, wasn't expecting it this early in the game. I think I'll gie it back tae Paul.
Lambert: No' again.
Boyd: F**k off Lambert, gie it tae Burley, he'll know whit ta dae.
Burley: Ach that's miles away Tam.
Collins: That's come to me nicely. How am I looking? Fantastic I bet. These Brazilians are pish by the way. Looking good Johnny Boy, ah can skin them all. Shit, lost it. Hope the camera didn't get that one.
Calderwood: Christ, he's comin' at me, where's Colin? Colin, get oer here, that silky b**t*rd, Ronaldo's comin' for me. Whit noo?
Hendry: Slide him.
Calderwood: Whit?
Hendry: Leave him tae me......f**k, missed him the wee sh*t*.
Leighton: Oh for f**k's sake.
Dailly: Better get back.
Gallacher: Wonder what's happening up there? Oh corner to Brazil. Better go and stand next tae somebody.
Leighton: Who's on Sampaio?
Jackson: Are we eating out tonight? Scampi did you say?
Hendry: I'll mark Ronaldo.
Calderwood: I'll mark Ronaldo.
Dailly: I'll mark Ronaldo.
Boyd: I'll mark Ronaldo.
Collins: How am I looking?
Hendry: Burley, you mark Rivaldo.
Burley: Okay, I've got Ronaldo.
Leighton: For f**k's sake, who was marking Sampaio???
Hendry: I had Ronaldo. Its no' ma fault.
Durie: Did the cameras see it?

20 minutes later.........
Hendry: Shit, here they come again. Crash positions lads.
Leighton: Oh Jesus, humiliation beckons again. Maybe Fergie was right. I'm sh*t*.
Jackson: Oh there's ma Mum in the crowd.
Durie: B**t*rds the lot of them. I bet they're Catholics.
Dailly: Better get back.
Collins: Feeling like a run. Want to strutt those majestic thighs. Looking and feeling great. Plenty of time to score. Oh, here comes the ball. Nice touch, Johnny Boy, you are a God, oh passed him nicely, looking good, need a rest, breaking sweat, I'll gie it to Burley. Beautiful.
Burley: Hi Colin, what are you doing here? Do you want the ball, I think I'm aboot tae get tackled. Shit.
Hendry: I didn't want it ya fanny Craig. Oh shit, here they come again, must hoof it somewhere safe. Where's Jim? Bugger, up the park
will do.
Gallacher: Ball coming, must run fast as little legs will carry, then maybe it'll miss me.....F**K, WHAT WAS THAT???? A bloody train hit me. Why is everyone hugging me? Am I dead?
Referee: Penalty to Scotland.
Scottish Fans: F**kin' Hell.
Hendry: Who wants to take it?
Durie: Errm, ma legs sore. Old injury.
Gallacher: I've lost a contact lens.
Jackson: Maybe it's no' ma Mum.
Collins: Give it tae Johnny Boy, he'll take it. Looking great, I wish ah had a mirror. Hope the burd is tapin' the game.
McAllister: Now you'll know how it feels ya wee b**t*rd.
Collins: Let me just place the ball. Millions of burds watching. Cool as a cucumber, Johnners. Right ref, nearly ready. Just fix the hair. Okay, ready to run............here we go...........just one final check, teeth are clean, hair great. Right ladies, watch this.................. and Johnny Boy does it again. Don't touch the f**kin' hair Burley. Hands off my arse Durie. You can get away with that at Rangers, but not here. I can see God on Stars in their Eyes saying, "Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be John Collins."
McAllister: F**k.
Craig Brown: Tee hee.
Scottish Fan: Whit? Goal against Brazil? Ya beautyyyyyy. Second round, here we come!!
Leighton: What's happening up there?

16 minutes to go............
Hendry: Get rid o' it ya mug!
Lambert: Where?
Hendry: Just hammer it.
Burley: No' tae me ya eejit.
Calderwood: P**s off, Ah had it a minute ago. Its no ma turn, ma kid's watchin'.
Hendry: I said hammer it, not pass it.
Durie: Its too far for me to chase. Go on Kevin.
Gallacher: Come on wee legs, faster. I'm gonna make it. Got it!!! Shit, lost it.
Collins: And his majestic highness steps in to stealthily pass a gorgeous ball to his fellow team mate.
Lambert: I told you, not to me.
Dailly: I don't want it. There's 300 million people watching.
Collins: Is that all? I need a bigger audience. Johnny Boy to the rescue. Who wants a bit of silky skill from the King of all Kings. I think I'll pass to me. Oh yes...fantastic, still looking great. Glad I wore that aftershave today..... What was that?
Gallacher: That was Ronaldo.
Jackson: Can I get a shot on the ball? Ma mum's watching.
Hendry: Somebody tackle Ronaldo.
Calderwood: Okay.......shit, missed again.
Hendry: Somebody tackle Ronaldo.
Leighton: Who's on the ball now?
Boyd: Dunno.
Leighton: Get markin' I think that's a cross comin' in.
Boyd: I think I'll mark.....him. He doesn't look dangerous. I should come out of this okay. I can see the newspapers tomorrow, Braveheart Boyd a stalwart at the back.
Leighton: CROSS COMIN' IN!!! I'M GOIN' FOR IT!!! TOMMY, LOOK OUT...........
Boyd: Wha'?...............Oh f**k.

There ends the tale in typical Scottish fashion.

A few miles down the road he saw another man out in the fields frenziedly bonking a sheep. Appalled at having witnessed a second case of bestiality in less than an hour, he whispered several prayers, crosses himself fervently, and drove on.

Finally, on the outskirts of town, he caught sight of a man leaning against a tree and masturbating enthusiastically. The young priest, then and there decided grimly on the topic of his first sermon.

"As I approached this fair town," he began that Sunday, "I witnessed three abominations. First, on the roadside a man committing an unnatural act with a sheep. Shortly thereafter was another man in a field committing the same unnatural act with another sheep! And third, at the very outskirts of this town, a man was committing an unnatural act with himself!"

A voice spoke up from somewhere in the congregation, "Aye, that'll be old Paddy Fitzpatrick. He never could catch a sheep!"

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

World Cup Coleman Balls

"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish" -Ian St John
"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored" - Terry Venables
"The Croatians don't play well without the ball" - Barry Venison
"It had to go in, but it didn't" - Peter Drury
"That's lifted the crowd up into the air" - Barry Davies
"He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss." - Bobby Robson
"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders" - Kevin Keegan

More Kevin Keegan (retired footballer/active TV audience annoyer) specials:
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose"
"That would have been a goal if it wasn't saved"
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different"
"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off"

Some Big Rons:
"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind"
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it on their faces"
"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw"
"He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate"
"I'm afraid they've left their legs at home"

MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN

"ARRANGED MARRIAGES TEND TO LAST"

Ever since I turned 30, my mom's vocabulary seems to have gradually shrunk. It now consists of only about five words, usually arranged to form this question: "When are you getting married?"

If I had a nickel for every time I've heard the question, I'd be able to afford a mail-order bride. Maybe even one who can speak English.

My mom and others ask the marriage question so often, I'm tempted to tattoo the answer on my forehead: "I'm a journalist, not a psychic."

But if I did that, my mom and I would never talk. She'd just look at my forehead and shake her head. And her expression would say: "Where did I go wrong with this child?"

Sometimes, just for fun, I feel like scaring my mom by saying I won't get married until one of these things happen:

---Ken Starr completes his investigation.

---Ross Perot produces a chart-topping rap song. "My name is Ross, just call me boss. When I become your president, the interns will be more hesitant."

---Ellen Degeneres and Elton John fall madly in love -- with each other.

---A pair of Amish men are arrested for selling drugs. (OK, this already happened. But I still don't believe it.)

It's not that I don't believe in marriage. I just believe it should involve two people who love each other so much, they're willing to risk living together.

It's certainly a big risk. If the marriage goes sour, you can lose some of your most prized possessions. Just ask John Bobbitt.

But I could be wrong about the importance of love. After all, millions of people in my native country, India, believe in arranged marriages, even though such marriages sometimes produce children like me.

The families of the bride and groom usually do the arranging, uniting two people who hardly know each other. The honeymoon is like a first date, except you're certain to get past first base.

To many Americans, an arranged marriage may seem more like a deranged marriage. But such marriages tend to last. Divorces in India are as rare as hamburger joints.

Like me, most Americans believe in falling in love before marriage. Many even believe in falling in bed before marriage. The only mystery left for the honeymoon is whether the hotel accepts American Express.

Considering the soaring divorce rate, such marriages are more suspect than O.J. Simpson.

So maybe David Weinlick has the right idea. About four years ago, the Minnesota man got tired of people asking when he was going to get married. So he just gave them a stock answer: June 13, 1998. He even planned the entire wedding, the first man ever to do so. But an essential part of the wedding was missing. No, not the wine -- the bride.

Weinlick, 28, decided to let his friends pick his bride, after they interviewed a couple of dozen women in several states, including the state of desperation.

He married the bride-elect, Elizabeth Runze, before 2,000 shoppers at the Mall of America.

And he was all smiles afterward. That could mean the wedding was a big success. Or perhaps Weinlick had been licking too much wine.

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

For many years, the border between Poland and Russia was volatile. Due to a political shift, a farmer found that he was no longer a Russian, but had become a Pole. Thrilled, he told his wife, "Thank God ! No more of those freezing Russian winters."

If love is blind, then why do they make lingerie?

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"

She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"

A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.

I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything.

"He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there.

A couple of weeks later, she related the following.

"We were in bed, making love. I said, 'Tell me you love me.' He said, 'I love you.' I said 'Tell me you're the Easter Bunny.' He stopped for a second, and said, 'I'm the Easter Bunny.' So I slapped him."

The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.

Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
17. If your job is operating heavy machinery or driving it will drastically reduce the number of years you have to work before retiring.
18. It makes it a lot easier to get into your co-workers pants.