Bad Jokes 11 : Bad Jokes or bust

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Stacy says: "When I grow up,I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the F*ck did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Stacy repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant..."

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven." Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbour's dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down main street!" The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives> you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so terribly funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I pissed in the holy water..."

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "What were the names of the two people in the Garden of Eden?"
1st nun: "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun: "An apple"
The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Peter: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!

Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First, one says to the other, "I've never come this way before."

Other nun says, "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles."

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of> one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"

Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried. You've known this priest a long time. What would he give for committing sodomy?
Choirboy 2: Two chocolate bars.

Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them.The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didn't touch him.

"Lines from CV's:

1. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progrom
2. Received a plague for Salesperson of the year
3. Reason for leaving last job: Maturity Leave
4. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions
5. Its best for employers that I do not work with people
6. Lets meet, so you can ohh and ahh over my experience
7. I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details
8. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse
9. I am loyal to my employer at all costs .. please feel free to respond to my resume on my Office voice mail.
10.I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
11.Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore
12.Note: Please don't misconsture my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
13.Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees be at work by 08:45am every morning, I could not work under these conditions.
14.The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
15.References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Actual lines from U.S military Officer Efficiency Reports:
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
2. Got into the gene pool while the life guard wasn't watching
3. A room temperature IQ
4. Got a full 6 pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together
5. A prime candidate for natural de-selection
6. Bright as Alaska in December
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
8. So dense, light bends around him
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week
10.Wheel is turning but the hamster is dead

Extracts from Royal Navy and Marines Officer fitness reports:

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity
2. I would not breed from this officer
3. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction
4. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle
5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy
6. This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
7. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig
8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to meet them
9. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age
10.Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
11.This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

Here's a late entry for the Darwin Awards - an award generally given out posthumously for the most stupid way to die - if there is such a thing.
A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to score big with his date on a Friday night. Determined to put the girl in the mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the city of Tucson. They walked to an open knoll where they could see the city lights. Overcome by the romantic locale, she succumbed to his pleas and they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making love.The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of thunder inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first few flashes of lightning, they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great trees. Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity during the warm desert nights. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and sought the path of least resistance --- straight down! Incredibly, he survived, but was in excruciating pain. The heat of the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that the lovers were now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl, unfortunately, did NOT survive the lightning strike! When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her, which of course, he couldn't! A wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more pain and repeated vomiting until he finally passed out.
Attracted by the smell of "food," a bear found its way to the Siamese lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the dead girl's face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear, there was little he could do but lay there silently in fear. To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl, loudly crunching her facial bones only inches from his ear. The bear also tasted the student, scraping the back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on. Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a> fun weekend camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's car was parked. It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming girls discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl about 20-feet.

Doctors managed to "successfully" separate the student from the corpse, but Mr. Happy looked like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state. The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the student was> unable---and unwilling---to achieve an erection. Future surgeries may produce a reasonably functioning penis, but the student's family jewels, referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum mass," are irreparable.

Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won posthumously, we think this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed himself from the gene pool.

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams" - Kilmarnock fans to the Rangers keeper after he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia

"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones." - Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered." - George Best

"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent." - Bryan Robson, Man Utd, 1990

"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on." - John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.

"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable areafor goalies is between their legs." - Andy Gray, Sky Sport

Richard Keys: "Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league?"
Roy Evans: "You have to finish above everyone to win the league"
Richard: " "

"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday." -Radio 5 Live

"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money." - Newcastle United Fan, Radio 5 Live

"I'm not a believer in luck but I do believe you need it." - Alan Ball

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different." - Trevor Brooking

"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead" - Tom Ferrie

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley unless somebody knocks us out." - Dave Bassett

"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds." - Peter Jones

"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal." - Jimmy Hill
"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins." - Brian Moore

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." - David Ackfield

"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio." - Gerry Francis

"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers." - Mick Lyons

"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head." - Derek Johnstone, BBC TV Scotland, 1994

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce, 1992

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty-fifty"

"There's nobody fitter at his age, except maybe Raquel Welch" - Ron Atkinson lauds Gordon Strachan, 39

"If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can't swim." - Berti Vogts, Germany coach

"You don't have to have been a horse to be a jockey." - Arrigo Sacchi, Italy coach, defending a meagre playing record

"The only way we will be going to Europe is if the club splash out and take us all to Eurodisney." - Dean Holdsworth, Wimbledon

"If the players want to make it hard for me, I am happy to make it twice as hard for them." - Wendy Toms, the first female referee to officiate in a professional game

"I think having Wasps around here as well gives us that little buzz around the place." - Ray Wilkins on the QPR-Wasps groundshare

"It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up." - Ian Wright on the Arsenal captain's confession to alcoholism

For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ...

A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:

"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"

The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.

Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.

Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his managed care reviewers. The next morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows:

MEMORANDUM

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been finished by now.

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

A man went to a sex doctor and told him of his extremely active sex life. He said He had a wife, several mistresses, masturbated, and had wet dreams all the time.

The doctor asked which he liked best.

He Replied, " Wet Dreams, you meet a much higher class of people in them."

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

"Yes Sir!" , he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies".