Bad Jokes 9 : The Lonely Years

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke: "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world, the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw

"To sin by silence when we should protest makes cowards out of men." - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

The real challenge for the 1980's and beyond is not the retraining of workers, it is the retraining of management." John Naisbitt

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." - Mitch Radcliffe

BAR TRANSLATIONS

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."
* I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

"Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to female)
* You would look great face down in my lap.

"You get this one, next round is on me."
* We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
* Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be £4.50 a pop.

"I haven't seen you around here for a long time."
* You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
* I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
* I'm easy.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
* I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
* I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
* If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
* You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, lets go home." (male)
* I'm horny.

"I've had like 10 beers already."
* I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who's got the next round?"
* I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"Excuse Me." (male to male)
* Get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (male to female)
* I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse Me." (female to male)
* Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (female to female).
* Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning."
* I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.

"What do you have on tap?"
* What's cheap?

"Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
* I'm really gay.

"Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
* I'm really easy.

"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab."
* I already lined up a ride home with your "ex".

"That person looks really familiar."
* Did I sleep with him/her?

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
* I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male)
* It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking + hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

"Do you have any Wild Turkey?"
* I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"

A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from the audience. A man volunteered & went up on stage. The magician told him to pick up the 16 lb. sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement block & break the block apart with the sledgehammer, so the audience would know the sledgehammer was real.

So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might & shattered the cement block. The magician now told the man to hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer. Horrified, the man said, "No way. It'll probably kill you". The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, "I'll be fine...I promise you...go ahead." "Well,", the man replied, "OK here goes."

Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the magicians face. The result was very bloody. The magicians nose was crushed, teeth fell out, blood everywhere. After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, "Ta-da!"

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."

The Differences

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he
wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she
doesn't want.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a
little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try
to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are
curious. Both are disappointed.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry
her. A man, of the woman who he didn't.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy: One is to let
her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have
it.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot
more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
No need for two people remembering the same things.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who. was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A WOMAN WHEN

1. You're a Bitch

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed off when you are believed.

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour.

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, ie You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!"

6. Whine

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

11. Complain

12. Hate any bar he likes

13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, aeroplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.

14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life (also, see number 7).

15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labelled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.

16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

18. Ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given.

19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"

Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."

There was once geneticist who made a tree Instead of growing fruit the tree grew vaginas. The man was so proud, that he planted it in his front yard.

The neighbors didn't like this one bit. They got together and found a lawyer that would sue the man for having the vagina tree. The geneticist refused all orders from the court. After several defiant moves, the court sentenced him to death. (C'mon, this is a joke -- go with me on this).

On the execution block the man is asked if he has any last words. He replies: "I regret I have but one life for my 'cunt tree'."

Two morons are trying to measure a telephone pole. They keep trying to climb it and keep sliding down.

Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?" The two idiots say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."

The schmuck wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground, says "40 feet" and walks away.

The first moron says to the other, "What a stupid idiot - we wanted the *height*, not the width."

Jon, a Scotsman, upon finishing his business in the outhouse, was pulling up his pants when a quarter slipped from his pocket, bounced once on the lid, and fell into the hole. Peering ruefully into the hole, Jon muttered to himself, "For a quarter, Nae." Upon which, he reluctantly withdrew another quarter from his pocket, let it fall into the hole to join the first, and remarked as he descended, "But for 50 cents, AYE!"

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
-----------------------

* If the enemy is in range, so are you.
* Incoming fire has the right of way.
* Don't look conspicuous --- it draws fire.
* There is always a way.
* The easy way is always mined.
* Try to look unimportant --- they may be low on ammo.
* Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
* The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them.
b. When you're not ready for them.
* Teamwork is essential --- it gives them someone else to shoot at.
* If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
* The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
* A ``sucking chest wound'' is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
* If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
* Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
* Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
* Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
* Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
* If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
* When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
* Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.


And of course :

* "Friendly Fire" isn't
* Automatic Weapons aren't.

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

After the collapse of the Meech Lake accords and the recent referendum in Quebec an MP from the Maritimes proposed an update to the Canadian Flag.

He wanted to change it from the current red maple leaf on a white field with red bars to:

Nine beavers pissing on a frog.

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells,

"Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.

Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, Yeni Raki, Efes Pilsen, wine coolers, diet Tab. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay..you're already dead.
Guy: Cool!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, black-jack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to speed?
Guy: Yeah!!!
Demon: Then you're in luck! Thursday is driving day. Help yourself to a Porsche, BMW, Ferrari, Mercedes, you name it, and there's no speed limit! This is even better than Montana, cause if you crash and burn, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: This is great!

Demon: You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Friday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, too bad... You're gonna hate Saturdays.....

Everyone has a purpose in life, though for most it appears to be, "serve as a warning for others".

For the technically impaired: Java: write once: test everywhere.

To be sure of hitting the target shoot first, then call whatever you hit the target