Bad Jokes 8 : Sex, Drugs & Bad Jokes

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"

"I have only fifty cents!"

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper __ Other Book
__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Bible __ Other
__ Torah (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

__ Yoweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Jehova __ Jesus
__ Allah __ Satan
__ God __ None of the above, I was taken
__ G_d in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
____________________

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Odin __ Cthulhu
__ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar
__ Apollo __ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun __ Bill Clinton
__ The Moon __ A burning cabbage
__ The Bomb __ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Astrology __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
__ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves __ EST
__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other: _____________________
__ Barney Fife __ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know ... what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
(other than the Hudson)
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own 1 2 3 4 5
clocks
Saddam Husein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich £1.50, Chicken Sandwich £2.50, Hand Job £10.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"

The mathematician said: "Never."

The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."

The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

GOLF ANYONE?
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place: First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

A DOG WHAT?
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Three guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the Genie. The Newfie says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, ,FOOM' the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so that nothing will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, ,POOF' there was a huge wall around Quebec.

The Albertan asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Albertan says, "Fill it up with water."

I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there. I heard a little girl say very softly "Jesus Christ!".

I leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

She looked at me, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

From LMG
I was in a store not too long ago and a woman and her son was walking by me. Appartently the boy saw a salesman and said "Daddy!! Daddy!!!" and she replied, "No honey that's not Daddy, but we'll keep looking for one!!!"

Woody told me about this:
A Brit real estate broker showed me For Sale houses when I moved to Georgia. Any funny language situations when you moved over here? I asked. Yes. One night my husband and I got ready to leave a party. I wanted to talk more with the lady I had met, so I said to her as I walked out, "Tell you what, I'll knock you up first thing in the morning." The guests nearby laughed uproariously. "That means something different over here," I said.

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.

Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down.

To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.

The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think youare to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"

Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement

"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll." Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient."

"Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

Gazza Three Lions Song

He's coming home, he's coming home,
he's coming, Gazza's coming home
He's coming home, he's coming home,
he's coming, Gazza's coming home
He's coming home, he's coming home,
he's coming, Gazza's coming home
He's coming home, he's coming home,
he's coming, Gazza's coming home
He's coming home, he's coming home,
he's coming, Gazza's coming home

Everyone seems to know the score
He's out til half past four
He drank lots,
he drank more,
and Gazza's gonna throw it all up,
gonna blow it all up
Now he's out of the cup
Cos Glenn remembered

Three pints down his shirt,
plastics tits still gleaming
tried to force a burp
after beer and kebab evening

So many Jokes, so many tears,
but all those fags and beers
wear you down,
through the years
but I still see that tackle on Charles
all those flash poncy cars
Gazza playing the flute
and Sheryl crying

I know that was then,
but he'll go out again

He's coming home, he's coming home,
he's coming, Gazza's coming home

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

There was a girl named Alice who lived in New Jersey. She loved it so much that she named parts of her body after places in the Garden State. One night she confided this to her boyfriend as he was beginning to feel up her right tit. "I bet you call this Mount Pleasant," he said and she smiled in assent.

Working his hand down her ass he asked, "and this?"

"I call that Freehole." said Alice.

Getting hot and heavy, he maneuvered his hand around to the front. "I bet you will call this Cherry Hill," he said triumphantly.

"Oh no," Alice called out, "that's Eatontown."

While checking out "The Late Show With David Letterman"'s site I read the FAQ. This question and answer was in there:

How do I go about suing "The Late Show with David Letterman"?

"The Late Show" generates tens of millions of dollars a year and is a part of the billion-dollar CBS empire, which makes it a veritable magnet for creative lawsuits. Perspective litigators should contact the show's attorneys Nigro, Kline & Shapiro. Here's a tip--past successful lawsuits include "I was bitten by a stupid pet," "Dave isn't honoring the restraining order" and "Dave made me lift my blouse for him on his birthday."

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it."

In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.

In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?"

Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer."