Bad Jokes 7 : The Zen of Bad Jokes

   A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size ,color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.  Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.  Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking.  Time passed, and he became thirsty.  More time passed, and he began feeling faint.  Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.  Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water.  However, would you like to buy a tie?"

With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man.  "I'm dying!  I need water!"

"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get
some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent.  With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"

"Water..." was the feeble reply.

"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over- endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"- it rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

    Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.  When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.  They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

     As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

     Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around.  He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.  Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

     So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend  with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

     Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed.  So, what he did next was awesome.

     He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears.  "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

"I don't believe it for one minute."  Marie snapped.  "You're just saying that to make me jealous."

One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the middle of farm country. After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.

"Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?"

"Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. Now this here's mah wife's idea."

The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote :

The first mate was drunk today.

He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain argued that once an entry was made in the company's log it couldn't be deleted. The first mate decided to get even.

The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he wrote:

The captain was sober today.

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.  "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come onstage and light all the candles."

"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked.

Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made his interest.

The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle," and everyone looked stage right for the entrance. No little boy. The director gave the downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes looked stage right. No little boy.

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"

And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right "...and the cat peed on the matches!"

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.

"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters.

"Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed above and beyond the call of duty.

He informed them that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different parts of the man's body.

The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander  said, and the sergeant was measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds.

The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between  the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal said. "Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.

Finally, the last soldier was addressed. "And you, Private, where would you like measured?" "From the tip of me penis to the base of me balls, Sir!" retorted the private. The commander replied,  "I must admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it's your decision." He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing measurement. Immediately the general's mouth fell agape and he stammered, "Where in God's name are your gonads, Private?!!"

The private proclaimed, "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!"

Men Are Like . . .

. . . coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.

. . . computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

. . . vacations. They never seem long enough.

. . . cement. After they get laid it takes a long time to get hard.

. . . chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

. . . coolers. Load 'em with beer and you can take them anywhere.

What's the difference between a dog and a fox ?

-About eight pints of beer ...

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.  Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.  Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.  Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.  Put on a blindfold.  Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.  Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.  Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug.  Fill halfway with water.  Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.  Start the jug swinging.  Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand.  Soak it thoroughly in water.  At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.  Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM.  Set alarm for 5:00 AM.  Get up and make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST

Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months.  Now remove 10% of the beans.  Purchase a newspaper.  Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child.  Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners.  Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.  Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

1.  A dog
2.  A donkey
3.  A shovel
4.  A fish
5.  A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings wereat least more than three thousand years old.  They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all  over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.  The President of their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said,  "This looks like a dog.  We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.  The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.  Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.  The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from  left to  right, but from right to left... Now, look again..... It  now says:

"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

A man was complaining to his friends about his visiting father-in-law.  "I didn't mind when he wore my clothes, smoked my cigars, drank my whiskey, and drove my car.  But when he sits at the dinner table and laughs at me with my own teeth, that's too much."

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"