Bad Jokes 6 : Bad Jokes with squidgy bits

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary  assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch.  He always orders the soup du jour.  One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread.  "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread.  "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks.  "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup.  "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay.  "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread.  When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup.  The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way:  "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old Jew replies:  "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!"

A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it.

"Hello," a deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'd like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you."

The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?''

Men are like a fine wine.

They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.

Prison Vs. Work

IN PRISON      you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK        you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON      you get three meals a day.
AT WORK        you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON      you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK        you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON      a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK        you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON      you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK        you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON      you get your own toilet.
AT WORK        you have to share.

IN PRISON      they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK        you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON      all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK        you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.  

IN PRISON      you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK        you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON      there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK        they are called managers.

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul.  He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, to Dublin."

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene...

25 Facts for Women To Know About Men:
1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

Women prefer the simple things in life...like men.

Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.

I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing and then marry him.

What's the difference between men and pigs?...Pigs don't turn
into men when they drink.

The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.

Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.

What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?...A
widower.

They put one man on the moon. Why can't they put them all there?

What's an orgasm, Mom? I don't know...ask your father.

If you catch a man...throw him back.

Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."

Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

Next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news.

"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion."

"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account."