Bad Jokes 5 : The Movie

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!

Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil's Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it

From Hamlet by Shakespeare?

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
==
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

Politicians:
George Herbert Walker Bush == Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush == He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan == A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglowarlord)
Ronald Reagan == A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich == Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher == That great charmer
The Conservative Party == Teacher in vast poverty

And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong
==
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

Children's Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.

10. If I ... Whoops! Sorry! I goofed! Instead of reading the Children's Property Laws, I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan.

The difference between men and women in one paragraph: A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies: "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into an enormous pig standing in the middle of the road.

DARWIN AWARD
Here are the nominees for this year's Darwin Award (Given posthumously to the individual whose withdrawal from the gene pool significantly advanced the evolution of mankind). The winning idiot's story is at the end:

The Nominees
In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc,Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) fractured the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23 who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del. as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

DARWIN AWARD WANNA-BE'S
In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

And the Darwin Award goes to:
There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folk climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down.

Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the rest of the story together...

The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower.

Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced to his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower.

The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.


Possible Future Candidates for the Darwin Award
A true story out of San Francisco:

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "Ok" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Also from San Francisco:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs.

Seattle.....

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

45 year old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence,R.I., after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Oklahoma City...

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

CHURCH HUMOR

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Ironic

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the last and best . . . . .

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the icey highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spots a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thinks to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two"' and he bears down on it hard. As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it's not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plows into it and he's sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH. Well, when he arrives in Hell, who should be welcoming the new arrivals but the Devil himself.

As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's hand, he asks mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"

The bad-ass biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decides to crank up the thermostat a notch.

The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So, how do you like it now?"

Still the bad-ass biker responds by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."

Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets.

The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it. Undaunted, the biker proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

Now the Devil is just plain pissed, so he turns the thermostat all the way down. The next morning, he finds the biker again and asks, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquires, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"

1."COMPETITIVE SALARY":
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

2."JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have no time to train you.

3."CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE":
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

4."MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED":
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

5."SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED":
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

6."DUTIES WILL VARY":
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

7."MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL":
We have no quality control.

10."NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE":
We've filled the job; our call for resume is just a legal formality.

11."SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: "
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

12."PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST":
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

13."REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS":
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

14."GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS":
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

15."I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION":
I've used Microsoft Office.

16."I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE":
I pilfer office supplies.

18."MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES":
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

19."I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK":
I blame others for my mistakes.

20."I'M PERSONABLE":
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

22."I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL":
I carry a Day-Timer.

23."I AM ADAPTABLE":
I've changed jobs a lot.

24."I AM ON THE GO":
I'm never at my desk.

25."I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED":
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

If Men were to Rewrite "The Rules"

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

4. It is in neither your best interest, nor ours, to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

10. Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

INSIDER'S GUIDE TO THE MALE VOCABULARY

"Haven't I seen you before?"
"Nice ass."

"I'm a Romantic."
"I'm poor."

"I need you."
"My hand is tired."

"I'm different from all the other guys."
"I'm not circumcised."

"I want a commitment."
"I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better."
"So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it."
"3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute."
"I want to have sex with her till I am blue."

"I don't know if I like her"
"She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much."
"I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."

"Was it good for you?"
"I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
"Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night."
"Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?"
"I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell
you now."

"I have something to tell you."
"Get tested."

"I'll give you a call."
"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot."
"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends."
"You're ugly."

"I've learned a lot from you."
"Next!"

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are quotes from managers out there:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only to be used for company business.

Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks...