Bad Jokes 4 : Bad Jokes rides again

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other
        "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What's had more balls than Ian Botham's cricket bat?
        Elton John's chin.

Two Skinheads are chasing some bloke and they catch up with him and say to him "we're gonna beat the shit out of ya" The bloke says "Just give me a chance, I'll do anything." One Skinhead Then says to him "All right then. Roll this dice. If you roll one to five consider yourself dead" "What happens if I roll a six" replies the bloke. "You get another turn."

Two Sperm swimming along one says to the other "Is it much further yet, I'm knackered".
The other one says "Miles yet, we've only just passed the tonsils"

What is the definition of blu-tak?
         Smurf shit!!

An Eskimo is out snowmobiling and it breaks down, so he takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic looks the machine over and says to the Eskimo, "It looks like ya blew a seal." And the Eskimo replies, "Nah, that's just frost on my moustache."

What do you call a sheep tied to a lampost in Wales?
A leisure centre.

A man approaches a lady in a bar and whispers in her ear, "I'd love to fill your fanny with Guiness and then drink it all."

The woman runs off to her husband in disgust and tells him what has just happened. "Aren't you going to sort him out then?" she asks, to which her husband replies, "Nah, any man who can drink 25 pints is alright in my book".

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight,  we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead.

How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and I made love to her every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow," the first guy says, "did you get a blow job?"

"No," says the second friend. "I couldn't find her head."

A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk.

Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"

"Naw, thanks." says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.  She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy".

The girl nodded yes.  After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.  "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said.  "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

New world records  -   More pointless stereotyping...

Women:

Car Parking:

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.E.Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993.She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.

Incorrect Driving:

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Arid, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels.This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Video Lesbianism:

The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production 'Strap on Sally vol.3'.

The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film.

Traffic Light Cosmetics:

The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.

Group Toilet Visit:

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a night-club in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994.Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving en mass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.

Men:

Expletives:

On 9th June 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone masons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs. without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attempted to better this feat on BBC TV's Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins 58secs.

Beer Drinking:

The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.

Urinating:

The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986.Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.

Hottest Curry Eaten:

Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substantiate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.

Biggest Fart:

The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986.Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulent explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing apparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.

Holiday Gymnastics:

The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.

Loudest Car Stereo:

The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off.

Car Customisation:

Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world's most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of £63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle.His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit (£3500), 'Nightrider' style Disco Stop Lights (£199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 (£200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, (£500) and a Chromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension (£285). The car is currently valued at £50 to £60.

Longest Wheel Spin:

The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.

Are PC's Male or Female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion are as follows:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons are as follows:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Extreme Bumper Stickers

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch.  Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple.  The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST!  We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park.  Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her   ...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government!  Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.  Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect them!

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew.

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

******** And the rebuttal  ****************

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!