Bad Jokes 3 : The Return of the Bad Joke

Actual Business Signs
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• On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
• Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
• In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
• On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
• At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
• On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
• In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
• On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
• On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
• At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
• On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
• At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
• Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
• Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
• In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
• On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
• In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
• At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
• On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
• In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
• Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
• On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
• In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
• In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

Two mice were sitting in the bathroom on the edge of thebathtub. The first mouse looks over to his friend and, referring to the toilet, asks, "Wanna go for a swim?" The second mouse quickly replies. "Oh, no! I'm never going in there again!!!" "Well, why not?" says the first mouse. "Well," starts his friend, "I was in there about a week ago swimming around and minding my own business and all of a sudden it got real dark, it started raining, it started thundering, and if somebody wouldn't have thrown me a log, I would have drowned!"

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my Cucumbers!

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out.

When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" the woman asked.

"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the bus!"

Buddy Hackett was recently reliving his days as soldier assigned to a motor pool unit. One day he answered the phone.

"Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" the voice commanded.

"Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half-dozen half-tracks, two armoured personnel carriers, couple of motorcycles, and Fat-Ass Johnson's command Jeep, sir."

"Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No, sir."

"This is Major Johnson, your commander!"

"Uh, sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No, I do not!"

"That's good. Goodbye, Fat-Ass!"

TECHNICIANS

Technical talk is often difficult to understand by people not initiated in the technical arts. Listed below are some terms that are used commonly by technicians, and an explanation of what they actually mean

STUFFED ...
A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work quite as well as when it was new. This situation is not expected to change in the near future.

FUCKED ...
Terminally stuffed.

FUCK ME DEAD ...
A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas) realignment.

FUCK IT ALL ...
An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, you didn't see where it came from, where it went to, and have no idea what it looks like.

FUCKING BLOODY FUCK ...
An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanical aligning to find that an extremely fundamental part is still sitting under the workshop bench.

HOLY BLOODY SHIT ...
The expression used immediately after stripping the thread or hexagon off a small bolt and remembering that it had a left hand thread.

SHIT, FUCK, SHIT ...
The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing you have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only critically important to the machine's operation, but is completely beyond retrieval.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT ...
Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT ...
Something hot weighing 400 kg is sitting on my finger.

HOW THE FUCK .... ?
Often used to indicate that in your opinion the designers of the machine might have done something a bit differently.

BLOODY FUCK ...
Somebody will have to find a first aid kit.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ...
This is a 440 volt circuit, and I think I've forgotten to isolate it.

BUGGER BLOODY FUCK ...
You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate understanding of why the equipment rack required extra force to close it. NOTE: If the word 'Holy' is used in conjunction with this expression, it means that all 200 wires in the harness are the same colour.

FUCKING DAMN SHIT ...
I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron.

FUCKING BLOODY DAMN ...
A general phrase indicating minor irritation.

HOLY BLOODY FUCK ...
My tie is caught by something being driven by a 200 horsepower motor and I can't reach the power switch.

BUGGER, FUCK, DAMN ...
An indication of full acceptance that the final, binding quote given to the customer omitted the £1800 parts content of the job.

John, a clerk in a small drugstore, was not much of a salesman. He could never find the items customers wanted, and he invariably forgot to urge them to buy additional items. Finally, the drugstore owner warned him that the next sale he missed would be his last. At that moment, a man came in coughing, and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not remember where the cough syrup was. Remembering the owner's warning, John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and instructed him to take the entire box! The customer followed his instructions, then walked outside, suddenly lurched, and leaned against a lamp post.
The drugstore owner, having watched the scene in amazement, asked John just what the hell he thought he was doing!
"Well, sir," John replied, "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take the whole box."
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" the owner shouted angrily.
"Yeah," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post,
"but just look at him. Believe me, he's afraid to cough."

Age and Womanhood
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1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn.


Age and Manhood
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1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
3. Over 47: Try weakly