Bad Jokes 2 : The Jokes Strike Back

PITY THE POPE
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".

"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?

"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".

Back in the days of the glorious British Empire, a young officer arrived at his first posting, the command of a tiny fort in the middle of the desert, twenty miles from the nearest town.

His new second-in-command is showing him around the base, when just outside the fort's walls they come across a decrepid, flea-ridden old camel.

'What's this bloomin' camel for?' asked the officer?

'Well, sir,' his second-in-command replied, 'the troops, stuck out here in the desert for months at a time, have certain... er... manly needs, from time to time. And when they need to do something about them, they use old Deirdre the camel here'.

The officer, rather embarrassed, says nothing, and continues with the tour.

A few months go by, and the officer is beginning to feel those 'manly needs' himself. So he calls his number two and says:

'I feel I may... erm... require the services of Deirdre the camel tonight. Tell me, when the men...erm... use her, do they have her bathed first?'

'Yes, sir'.

'Well then, see to it that she is bathed'.

'They also have her flea-powdered, first, sir'.

'Very good, see that that is done, too. And I couldn't help but notice that she is a rather tall animal. Tell me, do the men use a ladder when they,
erm... mount her?'

'Yes sir, always'.

'Very well, see to it that a ladder is provided'.

'Very good sir. She'll be prepared for you within the hour.'

After an hour, the officer is escorted to the side of the fort, where Deirde waits, powdered, washed and with a ladder by her side.

The officer moves the ladder to the back of the animal, climbs it, drops his pants and begins furiously ramming into the backside of the animal. He motions to his second-in-command:

'Tell me, is this how the men do it?'

'Well, no sir, they normally ride the camel to the nearest town and pay for a prostitute, sir'.

Happy Headlines
===============
English is a marvelously flexible language, much to the chagrin of headline writers everywhere. If any of these headlines seem reasonable, try reading it again in a slightly different way!
1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8.Stud Tires Out
9.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
10.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
11.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
12.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
13.Eye Drops Off Shelf
14.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
15.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
16.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
17.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
18.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
19.Miners Refuse to Work after Death
20.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
21.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
22.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
23.Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
24.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
25.Drunken Drivers Paid £1000
26.'84 War Dims Hope for Peace
27.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
28.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
29.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
30.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
31.Deer Kill 17,000
32.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
33.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
34.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
35.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
36.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
37.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
38.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
39.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
40.Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
41.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
42.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
43.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
44.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
45.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
46.Air Head Fired
47.Steals Clock; Faces Time
48.Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
49.Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
50.Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
51.Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
52.Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
53.Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training
54.Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy." But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."

A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Midwesterner feel cheap and unimportant.

"My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "here in the East we think breeding is everything."

"Oh, I don't know," the lady from the Midwest replied. "Out where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."

Two sailors on shore leave are walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde, the first sailor asks his friend, "Have you ever slept with a blonde?"

The second sailor replies that he has.

First: "Have you ever slept with a brunette?"

Second: "Why yes, in fact, I've slept with brunettes on several occasions."

They walk on a litter farther and see a gorgeous redhead who makes the other two women look dowdy.

First: "Have you ever slept with a redhead then?"

His companion looks at him and answers slowly, "Not a wink!"

A duck walked into a pharmacy, and waddled back to the druggist's counter. The druggist looked at him and chuckled, "Hey little fella! What can I do for you?"

The duck says, "I'd like a box of condoms please."

The pharmacist says, "Well, sure! Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

The duck says, "I'm not that kind of duck!"

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.

One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I' ve been circumcised." the other one says.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My Mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."

"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before be died?"

"He went blue and collapsed."

The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex honey... only $50... you look all uptight."

"No way!" the man responded. "I'm married!!!"

"So???" queried the hooker.

"My wife will do it for $35." he replied.