Bad Jokes

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, and extremely attractive young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles-even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her...

"Here, iron this!"

One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch. A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.

"Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked.

"You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are a frugal, and the second tells me that you are a bachelor."

"That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell you?"

"The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."

St Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."

Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has an enormous halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St Peter and says' "St Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly, Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"

St Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died.
The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female.

"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?"

The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."

"The artwork," says Robert.

"Very good. And you, Peter?"

"Her tits!" says Peter.

"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?"

"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

A Woman's Random Thoughts

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her vallium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd youlike to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing( and then they marry him.)

Gay, straight... they all want blow jobs.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impluse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their shit.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"